Imaginary Gardens

That is what this post is going to be, because I don´t have my diary here, I´m in a state of funk (of a negative nature) and have just watched a movie where people fall in love and live happily ever after.

First off: I have no idea what I´m doing. No with my life, my future, my plans. No fucking clue where it´s going, and am certainly not planning it either.

I know I don´t want to be in this country. Apart from never having actually intended to live here, no matter the length of time, there´s the significant "this" in "this country". Not *my* country. I have no idea how this place works, or how the people work, or of the geography of history, or even culture. I bet even Hemmingway had a clearer idea of Spain than I do.

I feel like am an outsider in my own country.

So I´m not where I want to be. I´m also not doing what I want to be doing.

Actually, I´ve spent the last 7 months not doing anything. Honest.

When I was researching Masters in the UK, I was so excited. I was really looking forward to the experience, and felt like I really wanted to do that. Living there, and studying one of those Masters would´ve been, well, shiny.

But I´m in a place where I don´t belong even more exactly because I *should*. Remember that round peg in a square hole thing? Well, I´m like a square peg that got so worn out around the edges that I´ve turned into a round peg, and don´t fit where I should. But I can´t go around saying I´m a round peg, because I ain´t. Neither can I hang out with all my square peg brethren, waiting for the carpenter, because I´m not like them anymore.

So instead of being a student in Scotalnd studying Wildlife Management or Conservation Biology, I´m in Barcelona, homeless but for the limited charity of relatives, looking for a job (any job) and a course (any subject) with which to while away my time until I know what I want to do.

Well, I have no friggin´ clue.

What also pisses me off is all the effort I put into looking for and applying to the courses. I suffered through Prof. Kramer´s interview, damnit. Of course, I only got accepted to a teeny tiny little place no one´s ever heard of, which charged me three arms and the right legs of my extended family. But they had an option of studying in Africa.

And then there´s the social aspect. I can honestly say that K and J are the best friends I´ve ever had. NOt just because we had fun together, but because we could just sit quiet together, or study, or bake. And we´ve pulled each other through seriously muddy situations and very thick woods (some litterally, like the haunted Ile St. Helaine one creepy Halloween). They were people who were actually interested in (most) of what I was, so I could share. And they were with me during what I might as well consider my formative years, when I grew into who I am more firmly.

And the freaky thing is, I don´t know when I´m ever going to see them again. These aren´t friends I can handle seeing once in a while. Seeing them *every day* is what I´d like.

I think if I keep on writing I might just break a leak and ruin the keyboard.

What I´m trying to say, in a very emo way, I guess, is that I´m a bit lost. And unhappy.

That sound, along with a child's gleeful hollering as he jumped on an elastic bed (the name annoyingly escapes me) with a plastic kiddy-slide as bouncing companion, is what woke me up at 7 am. And again at 8 am, at which point it became obvious I was not going to fall back asleep unless I suddenly lost my hearing or was knocked unconscious with a heavy brick. I swear, I wished I had a heavy brick...

Then this afternoon I hid out in my room while mom was on the phone to study and, guess what? Yes, three children (one a girl with a healthy set of lungs and high-pitch range) bouncing around. I promptly left my room.

See, this is why I don't like little kids. (Apart from being wierdly intimidated by them. Probably some childhood trauma thing.)

Anyway, today did very little. I did find out that the Angel ep that was supposed to have been taped last night was not. I got today's Jeopardy instead. Humfr. I'm trying again today. (And hopefully catching an ep of Lost tomorrow, which I'm curious to watch because a) it's not reality TV and b) has been tooted as good and c) I happen to like the plot of people lost on islands and other types of wilderness.

Here are some links which I came across today which may be worth your goof-off time:

Luminosity's BtVS and AtS vids are apparently quite famous over the net and have been shown live at numerous cons. Have yet to check it out, but sometimes I trust the invisible people of the internet.

And sometimes I weep for humanity's ancestors. Here are some scanned pages of a book called "On Becoming a Woman" from around the fifties. It is truly a sad, sad thing to read. (Also terrifying and hilarious and enough to make me, at least, thank any deity that no one I have personally known holds these opinions. Then again, I've never been to some central USA states.)

Will now watch Spikelover's "Crazy" and bemoan the fact that I'll probably never get to use some of the funner mood icons (like, say, flirty, predatory or drunk; have no idea what quixotic even means).

Also, I had a dream of Yair. !!! For everyone who didn't know me in 2nd grade, this was a friend of mine who was in 3rd grade. Suffice to say I thought we were friends and he gave me a paper with two boxes, one saying "yes" and one sayong "no", to the statement: "I want to be your boyfriend. Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

Dude, I didn't even know what that meant!

Of course, it ended badly* and we avoided each other (or at least I did; sometimes I thought he might not even have recognized me that one time he passed me back a basketball...).

*He dissed my "best friend" and I was upset. Of course, said best friend promptly ditched me (twice) when 2 new girls came to the school.

Great, now am no longer bored but upset. Stupid childhood. Stupid boys.

PS: Deary me, am I gushing too much to the internet void?