The brutal honesty of a sledgehammer
Nov. 28th, 2005 07:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bending_sickleThat is what this post is going to be, because I don´t have my diary here, I´m in a state of funk (of a negative nature) and have just watched a movie where people fall in love and live happily ever after.
First off: I have no idea what I´m doing. No with my life, my future, my plans. No fucking clue where it´s going, and am certainly not planning it either.
I know I don´t want to be in this country. Apart from never having actually intended to live here, no matter the length of time, there´s the significant "this" in "this country". Not *my* country. I have no idea how this place works, or how the people work, or of the geography of history, or even culture. I bet even Hemmingway had a clearer idea of Spain than I do.
Ifeel like am an outsider in my own country.
So I´m not where I want to be. I´m also not doing what I want to be doing.
Actually, I´ve spent the last 7 months not doing anything. Honest.
When I was researching Masters in the UK, I was so excited. I was really looking forward to the experience, and felt like I really wanted to do that. Living there, and studying one of those Masters would´ve been, well, shiny.
But I´m in a place where I don´t belong even more exactly because I *should*. Remember that round peg in a square hole thing? Well, I´m like a square peg that got so worn out around the edges that I´ve turned into a round peg, and don´t fit where I should. But I can´t go around saying I´m a round peg, because I ain´t. Neither can I hang out with all my square peg brethren, waiting for the carpenter, because I´m not like them anymore.
So instead of being a student in Scotalnd studying Wildlife Management or Conservation Biology, I´m in Barcelona, homeless but for the limited charity of relatives, looking for a job (any job) and a course (any subject) with which to while away my time until I know what I want to do.
Well, I have no friggin´ clue.
What also pisses me off is all the effort I put into looking for and applying to the courses. I suffered through Prof. Kramer´s interview, damnit. Of course, I only got accepted to a teeny tiny little place no one´s ever heard of, which charged me three arms and the right legs of my extended family. But they had an option of studying in Africa.
And then there´s the social aspect. I can honestly say that K and J are the best friends I´ve ever had. NOt just because we had fun together, but because we could just sit quiet together, or study, or bake. And we´ve pulled each other through seriously muddy situations and very thick woods (some litterally, like the haunted Ile St. Helaine one creepy Halloween). They were people who were actually interested in (most) of what I was, so I could share. And they were with me during what I might as well consider my formative years, when I grew into who I am more firmly.
And the freaky thing is, I don´t know when I´m ever going to see them again. These aren´t friends I can handle seeing once in a while. Seeing them *every day* is what I´d like.
I think if I keep on writing I might just break a leak and ruin the keyboard.
What I´m trying to say, in a very emo way, I guess, is that I´m a bit lost. And unhappy.
First off: I have no idea what I´m doing. No with my life, my future, my plans. No fucking clue where it´s going, and am certainly not planning it either.
I know I don´t want to be in this country. Apart from never having actually intended to live here, no matter the length of time, there´s the significant "this" in "this country". Not *my* country. I have no idea how this place works, or how the people work, or of the geography of history, or even culture. I bet even Hemmingway had a clearer idea of Spain than I do.
I
So I´m not where I want to be. I´m also not doing what I want to be doing.
Actually, I´ve spent the last 7 months not doing anything. Honest.
When I was researching Masters in the UK, I was so excited. I was really looking forward to the experience, and felt like I really wanted to do that. Living there, and studying one of those Masters would´ve been, well, shiny.
But I´m in a place where I don´t belong even more exactly because I *should*. Remember that round peg in a square hole thing? Well, I´m like a square peg that got so worn out around the edges that I´ve turned into a round peg, and don´t fit where I should. But I can´t go around saying I´m a round peg, because I ain´t. Neither can I hang out with all my square peg brethren, waiting for the carpenter, because I´m not like them anymore.
So instead of being a student in Scotalnd studying Wildlife Management or Conservation Biology, I´m in Barcelona, homeless but for the limited charity of relatives, looking for a job (any job) and a course (any subject) with which to while away my time until I know what I want to do.
Well, I have no friggin´ clue.
What also pisses me off is all the effort I put into looking for and applying to the courses. I suffered through Prof. Kramer´s interview, damnit. Of course, I only got accepted to a teeny tiny little place no one´s ever heard of, which charged me three arms and the right legs of my extended family. But they had an option of studying in Africa.
And then there´s the social aspect. I can honestly say that K and J are the best friends I´ve ever had. NOt just because we had fun together, but because we could just sit quiet together, or study, or bake. And we´ve pulled each other through seriously muddy situations and very thick woods (some litterally, like the haunted Ile St. Helaine one creepy Halloween). They were people who were actually interested in (most) of what I was, so I could share. And they were with me during what I might as well consider my formative years, when I grew into who I am more firmly.
And the freaky thing is, I don´t know when I´m ever going to see them again. These aren´t friends I can handle seeing once in a while. Seeing them *every day* is what I´d like.
I think if I keep on writing I might just break a leak and ruin the keyboard.
What I´m trying to say, in a very emo way, I guess, is that I´m a bit lost. And unhappy.
