It's cute how you try to rebuild your life.*

[bending_sickle]

I should stay and work for another hour at least, but considering my productivity is so pitiful related to time it may as well be negative, I'm going to throw myself at the weekend. (Also, I've started tearing up for no apparent reason, which is another sign I should stop.)

What I have planned for this weekend is rather simple. Today I'm going to run away head on off to the Hague and watch a movie. Depending on the time I get there, I'll watch Ice Age (in 3D, yes please) or The Hangover. As for the rest of the weekend...may wander around Amsterdam, but honestly, no clue.

This week's been pretty much shite all over. I've been working on a very boring and potentially pointless part of the analysis (making data sheets ftw!), so that's knocked me back a couple of brain cells. I've been completely unable to work on any side projects (which, seriously, how hard can that be?). I've been freaking out quite a bit (I blame the impending doom of hormones, not that it makes me feel any better). I haven't bothered going to the gym at all. (I totally should because I have never ever weighed this much. It's fuckin' scary.) I haven't hung out with people aside from Willy on Monday-Tuesday. In fact, most of my days the most social interaction I've had was speaking with the receptionist downstairs and Skype-chatting (although one may argue that words on a screen hardly qualify as "social interaction".)

And this all brings me to today's Quote-title. This may get messy.

I seem to do less and less. I seem to be capable of less. Sometimes just leaving the house is a trial. (Hence the chronic lateness to work.) I've always had grand aspirations, little life projects, small hobbies, etc. that I wish to accomplish. I've gone so far as to make a list. But I can never seem to get my ass up to the task. Nowadays my list of things I want to accomplish is more along the lines of "Shower. Brush teeth. Sleep at a decent hour." I often manage to accomplish a few of these. If I keep on this road, I'll never accomplish anything, much less the big things I've got on my list. For fuck's sake, I can't even seem to finish reading a fic, no matter how awesome it is. I just gloss over it, like I've glossing over everything, just trying to get past it all.

I've realized that this person I am - the one who can't really do anything most of the time - has been who I am for a few years now. Ever since my second year of my BSc., around the time I started living alone (well, the first year wasn't technically alone, but for all important purposes, it was).

I think it's maybe that I just suck at being lonely. Because when you look at it head on (Apply directly to the forehead.) I haven't had an active social network in a few years. Sometimes I've even had absolutely no social network (well, apart from those through the intarwebs).

I don't even know anymore if the "true" me is this person I am now (but then again, are monkeys in social isolation really fully monkeys?). This loneliness - aloneness - has just completely permeated me for so long that I just don't know anymore. These past four months in Kenya, I was happier than I'd ever been. And I don't just mean the brilliant flashes of joy: my baseline emotion was actually positive for once. I was constantly pretty content with life. I was a happier person, and even if there were a few moments when I was lonely, or felt the lack of friends missing me (I mean, I knew I could pick up and leave Holland and no one'd miss me, but it's a shitty feeling regardless, especially when Willy was getting calls and emails of "We miss you!"). I miss who I was then. It felt more "me" than I am now, when I can't function and am in zombie-mode most of the time.

I don't want to be defined by loneliness.

I've stopped trying, for the moment, to do anything about things now. (A very stupid move, but I just don't know how to fix things.) I don't have any friends here, and unless I try to hook up with someone at Einstein's, or call up some people I met through Elisa (which, honestly, would I do such a thing? I think not.), I ain't gonna.

I've been pretty shit at building a life anyway.

I can't really write anymore, what being incoherent at the moment and more than a little mopey. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just needed to write a bit.

I haven't spoken to anyone today.

And now I'm probably too late for Ice Age. Darn it.


Quote of the Day: Fionn Regan, "Be Good or Be Gone"

I have become an aerial view of a coastal town that you once knew.

Be good or be gone. Be good or be gone.

Links of the Day:
deanandsam's SPN Episodic Colourbars
natiyachan's SPN Fanfic Rec List
teand's SPN Fanfic: Eyes Wide Open, Running with the Winchesters poems
literaryquotes's Francis Spufford, The Child That Books Built - Flocked.
Bunny Comic Recipe: Flapjack Heaven
"Carry Me (Like A Fire In Your Heart)"by Chris de Burgh (lyrics)


* "Best Supporting Actor", One for the Team

Comments

[lienne.livejournal.com]

<33333

I'm having a similar problem myself, re: lack of social activity. At the moment my solution is to take up knitting and then find a local knitting club and join it. Dorky, but potentially effective; I'll know when I actually get around to attending one of their weekly meetups. Do you think something like that might work for you?

*cuddles*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on the picking up knitting, but I haven't a clue as to how to find clubs (for anything). Also, odds are they'd all be Dutch, so it'd either be awkward "Everyone talk English for me!" or...I'd be out of the loop.

But really ought to get into knitting.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

I managed mine through meetup.com. Try poking around there?

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

No such luck (unless France is closer than it looks) but thanks. This is all a mute point unless I start to knit. I'll have a poke around for any clubs here, though.

*snuggles*

[lienne.livejournal.com]

<3333

Good luck. *snugs*

[blizzardcake.livejournal.com]

*HUGGS*
Aw sweetie, I wish I had something helpful to say about the loneliness thing, but I'm pretty bad at building relationships/social circles myself. And I've dropped off the face of the earth waaay too often this year! All I want to do when I don't *have* to be somewhere is sleep (I think katarina sometimes worries if I'm alive or not)

~off to catch up on your prev posts and links'o the day!