![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bending_sickleI had the most shit-ass day yesterday.
so i had an appointment for my psychologist on sept 2. she cancelled the day before, and since she only goes to that hospital clinic in barcelona on wednesdays, we set up an appointment for the week after that.
the week after that, on monday, i buy the expensive "unlimited train travel for thirty days" ticket, with the start date set for wednesday sept 9, because i'll be going to the city for a number of doctor appointments and it works out cheaper than the ten-tickets pass. the evening on tuesday, the entire region gets a weather alert telling us to not go outside or travel on wednesday, because there was the risk of us getting swept away and drowning etc. so i, and so many other people, cancelled our wednesday plans. we rescheduled for the week after that.
that was supposed to be this wednesday, but my psychologist('s receptionist) again called to again cancel and reschedule. so i'm seeing her next week, barring any fuckery.
which means my train pass, good from sept 9 to oct 8, is being wasted. (okay, not that wasted because instead of taking the bus home from the gym in Next Town, i...walked all across town to the train station, then all across my town back home, and isn't walking a couple km worth it? my constantly-in-pain feet would say otherwise.)
so i decide to go to barcelona yesterday, for a change of airs and to use the ticket for its intended purpose, since the money's been lost anyway. i take an umbrella, because they said it'd rain, and my mom says "ooh, you're going out pretty fresh" so i take a jacket. it's a heavy denim jacket, but, well, mom said, right?
i end up carrying the heavy denim jacket in my hand (because there's no other way to carry it, not in or on my purse or tied around my waist) the entire day, whilst also sweating, because it was not, in fact, cool, and i was not, in further point of fact, dressed too cool. talking to my mother on the train on my way home, it turns out that she'd actually meant was i should change my blouse for a warmer shirt, and when she saw me get a jacket instead, she thought i was over-correcting, but she wasn't about to tell me that. even though the only reason i was getting a jacket was because she told me to and i can't read her mind to figure out the unsaid subtext. like, "you're going to be cold" has always meant "grab a jacket". but mom said, "noo, i couldn't possibly tell you, because you were ~hysterical~ because of your father's audiobook being blasted to every corner of the house" (i could hear it in the shower. in my room. in the bathroom. i was wearing ear plugs and still all i could hear was the robotic voice of his audiobook and i had had it. so had mom, let the record show. but when something like that happens to mom, she's just "overwhelmed". when it happens to me, i'm "hysterical".) so she sat there watching me make a mistake at her behest without correcting herself with a simple "oh no, what i meant was..." this is something she does a lot. (notably the "i want you out of this house by the end of september" which turned into "i only meant i wanted you to find and go out with friends". and there i'd been thinking i was being turned out to the streets.)
but it wasn't just that, of course. for reasons unknown, i was on the verge of tears the whole day. i was absolutely miserable for no goddamned reason. (it wasn't pms because i was firmly in the m stage.) just trying not to cry the whole time. (and i felt ugly, which was new. like, actively ugly. sometimes i'll walk by myself in the mirror and go "ooh, better not look too hard there" but yesterday i just felt ugly the whole time. clownish, even, because i'd tried to dress up nice with makeup and everything.)
and then of course, being in barcelona means walking walking walking for hours with no rest, eyeing things i will never buy, including little treats like a sit-down coffee. i went into an everything shop and in their crafts area they had lovely paint-by-numbers but i couldn't justify 20E on a whim.
(especially not when i'm really hoping to justify 25E on a 1000 piece puzzle featuring the "golden age of prosperity: an era in jinling" scroll, which i'd wanted for chirstmas last year but didn't buy for myself, because i made the mistake of telling mom "hey, if you don't know what to get me, i'd love this", and when she went, it wasn't in the shop anymore, so she bought me pants, even though i'm always telling her i don't want more clothes, i don't even wear my clothes because i have nowhere to wear them to. i saw it again in the shop in february but i didn't have enough cash on me for it -- or i did, but not enough for that and to also eat, which i needed to, because i'd be in the city all day) and i haven't seen it since. and if it's not in by december i will ask the shop to order it, because. because i want a little something.)
not if i can't justify a sandwich on a need.
because i never did end up having lunch. i had a granola in my purse which i ate at around 5 pm but till then, and until i got home and whipped up some pasta at 7, all i had going in me was one (1) peanut butter toast and coffee. and i was starving. and tired from walking for five hours with only a toilet seat's moment of sitting. (sitting, yes, because i am not a hoverboard.)
and a lot of my walking was trying to find the dentist office in the area that was connected with my insurance, because the guy in my town isn't, and he inspires the opposite of confidence (he's the one who did my retainers, badly), and the office in Next Town inspires even less, even though they're with my insurance. so i wanted to make a consultation appointment for the retainers situation with the one in barcelona. so i walked up the street for blocks and blocks and blocks until i found it again. and the receptionist was very nice (professionally nice) and that was the first set of kind words i had had all day. or all week. and it wasn't even genuine but whatever, i'll take it.
and after that i walked back to downtown and wasted time windowshopping, which was just an awful parade of ugly, shapeless, unfinished clothes sold for exorbitant amounts. i went to the bit multi-level store and wasted time not crying there, and didn't find the puzzle, and then since it was four pm i went to the supermarket to look for food, but i couldn't bear to have another one of their packaged salads, and their mayo-soaked bread sandwiches were now 4E, which was stupid, and i didn't want to eat them anyway because of the aforementioned mayo-soaking and nothing else. i also didn't want to subsist off of chips, or soda crackers. so i walked awayfrom omelas from the supermarket still starving.
and outside i decided to try for the train and get this day over with. and in front of that store, which is a major hub of downtown, in front of a huge plaza, there's often these assholes with clipboards around who will quite literally accost you. like, i'll be walking, and they'll spot me like a hungry lion and make a full diagonal across the wide sidewalk to intercept me. and i mean intercept. they'll get in one's way. they will literally move to stand in front of you. and if you try to avoid this, avoid them, by making your won diagonal across the sidewalk (which is as wide as a street, i'm talking it's very obvious you're trying to get away from them), they'll still hunt you down, without taking the hint that's being clobbered at them. sometimes they'll even take you by the arm, stopping you, and say (and this is a line they are taught, because many of them have said the exact same line) "oh thank you so much for stopping! you're the first one to stop for me all day!". only yesterday, they were given a different script, apparently, because as i swerved miles to avoid that torpedo in the night, taking the first bite of my granola, exhausted, clearly not in the mood to get buttered by a clipboard, the guy loudly said, "oh look at her, actually swerving to avoid me!" even though this asshole of all holes had literally intercepted me and had set a hand on my arm, trying to stop me. i kept going, and not five meters away, another of these assholes diagonals across the large crowd for me, and again i avoid him, and he says exactly the same thing as his colleague, word-for-word, at which point i snap and stop and tell him, "that's exactly what the other guy said" and he was like "oh no need to be like that" and i said "i'm tired of you guys always stopping me. every single time. even grabbing my arm." and i couldn't say more, about how i was literally trying to avoid him, because this other asshole of a man in dark glasses literally barged into us and between us like that was the only way through for him and the clipboard guy says "i didn't grab your arm" but i couldn't explain myself, how that was their general tactic, or getting in my way, that his coworker had literally done that not five seconds before, how both of them had stopped me (when i wasn't the only one in the crowd) but at that point i couldn't handle two assholes at once and i left, and the clipboard guy just called out "oh, how lucky!" which what does that even mean.
(and i do feel like shit for losing my cool and snapping at the guy, but i didn't even have time to snap at him anything, because he immediately talked over me and the man barged through, and i couldn't get two words out. and sometimes i think i shouldn't feel bad for snapping at people who are so clearly being rude themselves, hunting me down like that. because just a few hours earlier, a woman with a clipboard had stopped me inside a shop, just as i was leaving, but she hadn't blocked my way, and she'd only said, "hi, can you answer some questions about the shop?" and all i had to say was "no, thank you," and she left me alone. and if this team did that, i wouldn't be so pissed at them. but once, one actually chased me down all across a sidewalk as wide as two car lanes, to stand in front of me and try and stop me. like. fuck off. they've been doing these tactics for years and there is literally no way of making it clear to them to leave me alone.)
(but i still feel like shit.)
anyway i kept walking to the train station and made it to the half-hourly train with only 8 minutes to spare. and i was on the verge of tears again. and hungry. and couldn't even buy anything at the station, which i had half been considering (like. a snickers. that would've tided me over.)
and then that phone call with my mother happened.
the only good thing is that at the station in my town, i saw my cousin-through-marriage (i.e. my aunt's dead-sister's son), and he's a ray of sunshine, so we walked together to our aunt&uncle's place (which is across the street from mine). most of the conversation was about him and what he has going on, but it was pleasant and he was nice, and that was the nicest anyone had been to me in. well, months, probably.
* Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
so i had an appointment for my psychologist on sept 2. she cancelled the day before, and since she only goes to that hospital clinic in barcelona on wednesdays, we set up an appointment for the week after that.
the week after that, on monday, i buy the expensive "unlimited train travel for thirty days" ticket, with the start date set for wednesday sept 9, because i'll be going to the city for a number of doctor appointments and it works out cheaper than the ten-tickets pass. the evening on tuesday, the entire region gets a weather alert telling us to not go outside or travel on wednesday, because there was the risk of us getting swept away and drowning etc. so i, and so many other people, cancelled our wednesday plans. we rescheduled for the week after that.
that was supposed to be this wednesday, but my psychologist('s receptionist) again called to again cancel and reschedule. so i'm seeing her next week, barring any fuckery.
which means my train pass, good from sept 9 to oct 8, is being wasted. (okay, not that wasted because instead of taking the bus home from the gym in Next Town, i...walked all across town to the train station, then all across my town back home, and isn't walking a couple km worth it? my constantly-in-pain feet would say otherwise.)
so i decide to go to barcelona yesterday, for a change of airs and to use the ticket for its intended purpose, since the money's been lost anyway. i take an umbrella, because they said it'd rain, and my mom says "ooh, you're going out pretty fresh" so i take a jacket. it's a heavy denim jacket, but, well, mom said, right?
i end up carrying the heavy denim jacket in my hand (because there's no other way to carry it, not in or on my purse or tied around my waist) the entire day, whilst also sweating, because it was not, in fact, cool, and i was not, in further point of fact, dressed too cool. talking to my mother on the train on my way home, it turns out that she'd actually meant was i should change my blouse for a warmer shirt, and when she saw me get a jacket instead, she thought i was over-correcting, but she wasn't about to tell me that. even though the only reason i was getting a jacket was because she told me to and i can't read her mind to figure out the unsaid subtext. like, "you're going to be cold" has always meant "grab a jacket". but mom said, "noo, i couldn't possibly tell you, because you were ~hysterical~ because of your father's audiobook being blasted to every corner of the house" (i could hear it in the shower. in my room. in the bathroom. i was wearing ear plugs and still all i could hear was the robotic voice of his audiobook and i had had it. so had mom, let the record show. but when something like that happens to mom, she's just "overwhelmed". when it happens to me, i'm "hysterical".) so she sat there watching me make a mistake at her behest without correcting herself with a simple "oh no, what i meant was..." this is something she does a lot. (notably the "i want you out of this house by the end of september" which turned into "i only meant i wanted you to find and go out with friends". and there i'd been thinking i was being turned out to the streets.)
but it wasn't just that, of course. for reasons unknown, i was on the verge of tears the whole day. i was absolutely miserable for no goddamned reason. (it wasn't pms because i was firmly in the m stage.) just trying not to cry the whole time. (and i felt ugly, which was new. like, actively ugly. sometimes i'll walk by myself in the mirror and go "ooh, better not look too hard there" but yesterday i just felt ugly the whole time. clownish, even, because i'd tried to dress up nice with makeup and everything.)
and then of course, being in barcelona means walking walking walking for hours with no rest, eyeing things i will never buy, including little treats like a sit-down coffee. i went into an everything shop and in their crafts area they had lovely paint-by-numbers but i couldn't justify 20E on a whim.
(especially not when i'm really hoping to justify 25E on a 1000 piece puzzle featuring the "golden age of prosperity: an era in jinling" scroll, which i'd wanted for chirstmas last year but didn't buy for myself, because i made the mistake of telling mom "hey, if you don't know what to get me, i'd love this", and when she went, it wasn't in the shop anymore, so she bought me pants, even though i'm always telling her i don't want more clothes, i don't even wear my clothes because i have nowhere to wear them to. i saw it again in the shop in february but i didn't have enough cash on me for it -- or i did, but not enough for that and to also eat, which i needed to, because i'd be in the city all day) and i haven't seen it since. and if it's not in by december i will ask the shop to order it, because. because i want a little something.)
not if i can't justify a sandwich on a need.
because i never did end up having lunch. i had a granola in my purse which i ate at around 5 pm but till then, and until i got home and whipped up some pasta at 7, all i had going in me was one (1) peanut butter toast and coffee. and i was starving. and tired from walking for five hours with only a toilet seat's moment of sitting. (sitting, yes, because i am not a hoverboard.)
and a lot of my walking was trying to find the dentist office in the area that was connected with my insurance, because the guy in my town isn't, and he inspires the opposite of confidence (he's the one who did my retainers, badly), and the office in Next Town inspires even less, even though they're with my insurance. so i wanted to make a consultation appointment for the retainers situation with the one in barcelona. so i walked up the street for blocks and blocks and blocks until i found it again. and the receptionist was very nice (professionally nice) and that was the first set of kind words i had had all day. or all week. and it wasn't even genuine but whatever, i'll take it.
and after that i walked back to downtown and wasted time windowshopping, which was just an awful parade of ugly, shapeless, unfinished clothes sold for exorbitant amounts. i went to the bit multi-level store and wasted time not crying there, and didn't find the puzzle, and then since it was four pm i went to the supermarket to look for food, but i couldn't bear to have another one of their packaged salads, and their mayo-soaked bread sandwiches were now 4E, which was stupid, and i didn't want to eat them anyway because of the aforementioned mayo-soaking and nothing else. i also didn't want to subsist off of chips, or soda crackers. so i walked away
and outside i decided to try for the train and get this day over with. and in front of that store, which is a major hub of downtown, in front of a huge plaza, there's often these assholes with clipboards around who will quite literally accost you. like, i'll be walking, and they'll spot me like a hungry lion and make a full diagonal across the wide sidewalk to intercept me. and i mean intercept. they'll get in one's way. they will literally move to stand in front of you. and if you try to avoid this, avoid them, by making your won diagonal across the sidewalk (which is as wide as a street, i'm talking it's very obvious you're trying to get away from them), they'll still hunt you down, without taking the hint that's being clobbered at them. sometimes they'll even take you by the arm, stopping you, and say (and this is a line they are taught, because many of them have said the exact same line) "oh thank you so much for stopping! you're the first one to stop for me all day!". only yesterday, they were given a different script, apparently, because as i swerved miles to avoid that torpedo in the night, taking the first bite of my granola, exhausted, clearly not in the mood to get buttered by a clipboard, the guy loudly said, "oh look at her, actually swerving to avoid me!" even though this asshole of all holes had literally intercepted me and had set a hand on my arm, trying to stop me. i kept going, and not five meters away, another of these assholes diagonals across the large crowd for me, and again i avoid him, and he says exactly the same thing as his colleague, word-for-word, at which point i snap and stop and tell him, "that's exactly what the other guy said" and he was like "oh no need to be like that" and i said "i'm tired of you guys always stopping me. every single time. even grabbing my arm." and i couldn't say more, about how i was literally trying to avoid him, because this other asshole of a man in dark glasses literally barged into us and between us like that was the only way through for him and the clipboard guy says "i didn't grab your arm" but i couldn't explain myself, how that was their general tactic, or getting in my way, that his coworker had literally done that not five seconds before, how both of them had stopped me (when i wasn't the only one in the crowd) but at that point i couldn't handle two assholes at once and i left, and the clipboard guy just called out "oh, how lucky!" which what does that even mean.
(and i do feel like shit for losing my cool and snapping at the guy, but i didn't even have time to snap at him anything, because he immediately talked over me and the man barged through, and i couldn't get two words out. and sometimes i think i shouldn't feel bad for snapping at people who are so clearly being rude themselves, hunting me down like that. because just a few hours earlier, a woman with a clipboard had stopped me inside a shop, just as i was leaving, but she hadn't blocked my way, and she'd only said, "hi, can you answer some questions about the shop?" and all i had to say was "no, thank you," and she left me alone. and if this team did that, i wouldn't be so pissed at them. but once, one actually chased me down all across a sidewalk as wide as two car lanes, to stand in front of me and try and stop me. like. fuck off. they've been doing these tactics for years and there is literally no way of making it clear to them to leave me alone.)
(but i still feel like shit.)
anyway i kept walking to the train station and made it to the half-hourly train with only 8 minutes to spare. and i was on the verge of tears again. and hungry. and couldn't even buy anything at the station, which i had half been considering (like. a snickers. that would've tided me over.)
and then that phone call with my mother happened.
the only good thing is that at the station in my town, i saw my cousin-through-marriage (i.e. my aunt's dead-sister's son), and he's a ray of sunshine, so we walked together to our aunt&uncle's place (which is across the street from mine). most of the conversation was about him and what he has going on, but it was pleasant and he was nice, and that was the nicest anyone had been to me in. well, months, probably.
* Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
