Ah, mediocre!*
Oct. 12th, 2015 08:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bending_sicklewelp. it's been nine months since my last confession entry. some people gestate a whole other person in that time. me? not even a driver's license.
PhD Shenanigans
i never did the visa stuff. it freaked me right out. the start date for the phd went from april to june. the peeps said i ought to get my driver's license first. (which well didn't that turn out to be a slow-ass process.) i haven't even checked my professional email since june, because at first i didn't want to get nervous before my driving exam, and then i had a second driving exam, and then i panicked.
so it's safe to say that whole thing's off. which. i mean. sucks. it really fucking does. it's my own fault. it took over two years to get that shit together and then i blew it. but then, on the other hand, i didn't really want to do a phd, and i'd just started on my mental health meds, and i'd just moved (twice) so it really was more like me standing around on fire saying "hey, who wants a barbecue?" and climbing an active volcano.
but it still sucks.
Mental Health
still on the meds (well, the depression meds. not the anxiety meds, because those were a recipe in how to make a zombie, which i did not appreciate). having semi-regular chats with a psychologist. (never once seen a psychiatrist despite, y'know, taking meds, which is uncool.) only had like that one solid week where my brain kept chanting "i want to die" at various volumes. otherwise, i'm generally alright. kinda dead inside, but sometimes there are bursts of achievement. i'm actually managing to read now, although i'm not writing so much. (well, alone. i appear to have written a gazillion words in RP.) no anxiety attacks, just slight brushes, so that's alright. (alright, sure, the self harm's been wack lately but not too bad.)
although, i did spend the day on the floor being miserable, so, y'know, moderate success.
General Life
i've spent so much money on driving classes and renewing my papers and taken four practical exams and now they're on fucking strike so, no, i don't have my license yet. which sucks.
i continue to not have a job, or even look for one, or know where to start, or not be paralysed with terror at the thought.
i'm still living with the parents. we moved in june to the very first house they've owned. (my brother's also bought a house. everyone has a house. except me. i have the dwindling patience of my parents.)
i'm also 32. which...yeah.
The Less Grim Aspects of Life
...so, them war boys, huh?
* Mad Max: Fury Road
PhD Shenanigans
i never did the visa stuff. it freaked me right out. the start date for the phd went from april to june. the peeps said i ought to get my driver's license first. (which well didn't that turn out to be a slow-ass process.) i haven't even checked my professional email since june, because at first i didn't want to get nervous before my driving exam, and then i had a second driving exam, and then i panicked.
so it's safe to say that whole thing's off. which. i mean. sucks. it really fucking does. it's my own fault. it took over two years to get that shit together and then i blew it. but then, on the other hand, i didn't really want to do a phd, and i'd just started on my mental health meds, and i'd just moved (twice) so it really was more like me standing around on fire saying "hey, who wants a barbecue?" and climbing an active volcano.
but it still sucks.
Mental Health
still on the meds (well, the depression meds. not the anxiety meds, because those were a recipe in how to make a zombie, which i did not appreciate). having semi-regular chats with a psychologist. (never once seen a psychiatrist despite, y'know, taking meds, which is uncool.) only had like that one solid week where my brain kept chanting "i want to die" at various volumes. otherwise, i'm generally alright. kinda dead inside, but sometimes there are bursts of achievement. i'm actually managing to read now, although i'm not writing so much. (well, alone. i appear to have written a gazillion words in RP.) no anxiety attacks, just slight brushes, so that's alright. (alright, sure, the self harm's been wack lately but not too bad.)
although, i did spend the day on the floor being miserable, so, y'know, moderate success.
General Life
i've spent so much money on driving classes and renewing my papers and taken four practical exams and now they're on fucking strike so, no, i don't have my license yet. which sucks.
i continue to not have a job, or even look for one, or know where to start, or not be paralysed with terror at the thought.
i'm still living with the parents. we moved in june to the very first house they've owned. (my brother's also bought a house. everyone has a house. except me. i have the dwindling patience of my parents.)
i'm also 32. which...yeah.
The Less Grim Aspects of Life
...so, them war boys, huh?
* Mad Max: Fury Road
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no subject
Date: 2015-10-16 04:17 pm (UTC)I'm sorry about the visa/PhD/NZE stuff. I was really rooting for you to have wacky adventures down under. But sometimes getting your brain back together is more important. I would know; I'm deliberately not doing so and hoping that eventually I just explode.
I approve of non-zombie you, at the least. Psychotherapy is a tough slow road, but even small bursts of achievement are positive things. Please take care of yourself. I might be a dreadful old curmudgeon, but I still think you're the bee's knees.
The driving thing is just crap. But that's not really all your fault, so fuck them.
Also, you're 32, which means you're about a tenth of my age, so no sympathy here. ;-)
...so, them wives, huh?
no subject
Date: 2015-10-16 06:40 pm (UTC)I was rooting for the wacky adventures too. I was going to see cute critters and be all Independent. At least, that was the optimistic hope. The more realistic version would probably have included a few break downs and some screaming. (There was also a zombiepocalypse version, because you always need one of those.) But it really was a hair-brained, slightly mad idea, at a not particularly good moment in my life (see also: all of it) so it's for the best.
I'll have to nuke my professional email, though. I shudder to think what's in the inbox.
Please don't explode. I'd be sad if you exploded. Also, I think you're the dog's bollocks, so there. (That's a good thing, right?) Ancient dog's bollocks ;)
...but dem cars tho.
no subject
Date: 2015-10-16 07:37 pm (UTC)The zombiepocalypse scenario probably would have involved mostly sheep. Which makes me wonder whether zombie sheep still make wool, and if so, can you have a zombie wool sweater? Because I think I want one.
Cheeky professional email. Full of madness and despair, like turkey bacon.
I'll try to hold off on the exploding if I can. But I eat a lot of cheese and bacon, so really, the odds of my heart just bursting from my chest with a final gasp of energy and saying "That's it; I'm done" are ever-rising. Hopefully it happens while I'm stuffing bacon into my gaping maw.
I'm going to pretend that dog bollocks are totally complimentary. Even if they're ancient.
...but dem trucks tho?
no subject
Date: 2015-10-18 03:06 pm (UTC)I think you could get zombie wool, but possibly only once (technically dead sheep wouldn't grow new wool once they've been sheered). So if you manage to sheer a sheep (say that ten times fast) without getting bit and zombiefied or ending up with guts on your wool, then you could have a zombie sweater. However, such things may be dangerous to wear. (http://news.toyark.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/4/2015/09/NOES-Dream-Warriors-Freddy-NECA-002.jpg)
As for your poor little cheese-wrapped heart bursting from your chest, I can't believe you're making me be the one to bring up the chestburster (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xTiGmvKS9XM/VRsOvqsDs6I/AAAAAAAASPw/fDXx89sGCbc/s1600/John%2BHurt%2Bchestbursting%2BAlien.jpg). In compensation, I'm also bringing up this adorable muffinburster (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/50/ef/65/50ef65d9bc43f5931008827a1bcce47b.jpg).
...we'll say nothing about the, uh, pastry...burster...thing. (http://fanboynation.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/chestburster.jpeg)
Aside from being some bizarre English expression, dog's bollocks is also beer (https://thecapetoniantourist.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/craft-beer.jpg), wine (http://www.winelabels.org/image/bollocks.gif), room odorizor (????) (http://www.poppersaroma.co.uk/images/poppers_aroma_dogsbollocks.jpg), and even a pub (http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/03/38/03/89/the-dog-s-bollocks.jpg). So it's totally a good thing.
...dat flamethrower tho!
no subject
Date: 2015-10-18 10:03 pm (UTC)Hmmmm... does Freddie Krueger wear a zombie sweater? Then again, is it even real? He is a dream construct now, so his sweater could be made of the dreams of sheep... or their nightmares. That's deep.
...ok, pastry buster. You're in time out. Let's move on.
I'd never heard the phrase "the dog's bollocks" before (my British colleagues and friends have clearly failed me).
...dat Imperator tho