I don't want to do this anymore.*

[bending_sickle]

It's been two months since my last confession post. I've moved into my parents' house, which is doing wonders for my mental health. I still haven't heard back from the university (latest news from like a month ago is that my application is with the department and they'll see it at the next committee meeting, which no one will tell me when that is), which is doing even more wonders. I'm going to Pilates twice a week, which is an exercise in insecurity and holding back my life is pointless tears. I go to the beach a lot but it's getting a tad cool for lying around near naked.

Sister-in-law came for a week so we hung out a couple days. I also went to Burgos and hung out with the family there.

I'm going to be thirty-one tomorrow and I've done fuck-all for another year and I still don't know what I'm doing or whether I'll be doing it at all or even if I want to, not that I ever actually did, and my parents despise me and I feel so lost and miserable.

I thought I had more to say but I'm going to stop now or there will be more stupid fucking crying and fuck that noise to be honest.

So, y'know. Still here, still kicking, still a useless floudering aimless dingy lost at sea.


* Simon, In the Flesh

Comments

[seschat.livejournal.com]

First off, let me give you a big, snuggly hug. Second, you are beautiful and gorgeous and young. I have proof! And third, even if you aren't sure about the PhD plans, you worked very hard to make Kiwiland happen, and it will, whether you will be working at the uni or doing something else entirely. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

*showers you in love*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*clingy octopus hugs* ilu <3

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Happy Thirleventy-First Birthday! Don't worry about all the things you may be doing. Worry about all the drinks you will be drinking, and the funs you will be having, and of the awesome people who are thinking awesome thoughts about you. (yes, me. I am totes thinking awesome thoughts.) (yes, about you.) (no, I never actually use the word totes.)

Glad you are still there. Keep kicking that dingy. That sounded less dirty before I typed it. Anyway, the point is you're awesome and you rock and hey look Thorin's going to declare war on everyone and mess up real bad; you're doing great in comparison. ;-)

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

True, true, I'll never fuck up that badly.

Thanks for the well-wishes and positive thoughts (And you totes just used that word so don't even try and be cool :P). It really does mean a lot to me.

I owe you soooo many drinks at this point,

[ellethill.livejournal.com]

;_____;

I am so sorry to hear that everything is so miserable *hugs you to pieces* and that the uni people are being complete bastards *hugs you even more* and on top of that the living situation is so very terrible *glopms you and never lets you go*

I know it's terrible, but don't lose the last smidgen of hope and heart - things *will* happen at one point, even if the academic bastards are being insanely slow; you have come *so far*, and I know it's hard to focus on the positive when all your previous efforts can't really be quantified right now (again, damn academia stuff, on top of everything else) but you should at least be proud of all the work put into all the *trying* because I know it hasn't been easy *hugs you harder*

Just... I like you to bits and I think you're awesome, and if I could put together all those happy thoughts and general impulse towards cuddliness into a tangible thing I'd mail it to you in a second. Don't give up! I'm over here cheering you on and having all this faith that good things will ultimately happen. And I'm sending you 200 imaginary puppies to pile down upon you and tickle you everywhere with all the tail wagging and things.

*even more hugs*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*from beneath a pile of excitable puppies* Thank youuuuu /o/ Just knowing that you're there, being positive and objective about things, helps me be less ~oh woes~ so come let me snuggle you through the internet...if I can get out from under these puppies ;)

[ellethill.livejournal.com]

*adds pile of well wishes on pile of puppies*
Have a Happy Happy Happy Birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaay~!
Hope today marks the start of a good year, with lots of good things happening, lovely moments, and minimum amounts of stress.
*cuddles you some moooooooore*
<3<3<3<3<3
!!

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Thank yoooooou /o/ *cuddlesnuggles*

[phantmgreeneyes.livejournal.com]

You are always welcome on my life raft, love. There's enough room for two, and plenty of snacks.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*paddles to your life raft* Thanks /o/