I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down*

[bending_sickle]

everything is horrible. especially my family.

Tumblr post, Tuesday

so i finally told mom about the phd application

me: so can i tell you what i’ve been working on since last august? but like please don’t get angry or depreciative or judgey…

mom, with the most bored idgaf face ever: i won’t be anything. no emotional response from me at all. whatever. i won’t react.

*cue a few sentences back and forth of “well if you’re not even that interested idefk why i’d tell you”*

me: i’ve sent in an application for a phd

mom: and meanwhile, what?

me: …

#like that was it #she didn't ask what it was about or where it was or why i hadn't told her earlier or whether i was happy about it or anything #i have never been so disappointed in someone in my whole life #(i probably have but) #*cue cries of I DON'T NEED YOU I'M GOING TO BE FINE WITHOUT YOU* #also though #*cue sobbing all afternoon*

Tumblr post, Wednesday

bro actually thinks this is all a-okay because he thinks mom’s totally been supportive

which

i can’t even

#my brother either never understands why i'm upset at something or says it's all my fault and i just can't anymore #i also can't stop crying

Tumblr post, tonight

talked to bro on the phone today.

all he wanted to talk about was a goddamn status update on the funding application progress, which oh hi i’m fine how are you maybe? and when i told him i was still running circles with the application papers he was all “why can’t you prepare the funding papers now too” which yes how about i just explode it’s not like we haven’t talked about this

because nothing i ever do is the right thing or enough according to him

and then he said he never replied to my what the actual fuck is wrong with you email where i was all how the ever-loving fuck do you dare say my mother is being supportive when she doesn’t give a shit when i tell her i’ve applied to a phd programme because he doesn’t want to get into me “inventing drama” with mom.

right.

call me a fucking liar.

because he knows what’s going on in this house better than i do. all the way from across the fucking ocean and his years and years of not living here.

and then i emailed him again all don’t call me a fucking liar and you don’t even know what is going on between mom and me and maybe you should just not fucking talk to me

and he was all i am so not here for you to blame me for problems you make yourself and it’s not fair for you to lay them on mom either and you’re old enough to take responsibility for your own life and not blame everyone else

which

wow

i can’t even

i just

so i emailed back about how i fucking wasn’t blaming him, i just fucking wanted some fucking goddamn support from him.

and that oh hey maybe if things are shit with mom, maybe it’s not just me? maybe it might also have something to do with her calling me a monster and a piece of shit and threatening me with homelessness and insulting me six ways from sunday and did i mention the slap because there was a slap and do i do that? no. maybe i’m diffucult and don’t hang out with her and don’t share my hopes and dreams (so they don’t get shat on) because hey i’m human and it’s fucking hard to be around her all the fucking time when she’s constantly being utterly fucking cruel.

(well i didn’t say most of that paragraph. but i totally said that it takes two to tango and what the fuck does he know anyway)

and that i didn’t want him to be fucking dismissing me and saying i’m “inventing drama” and that all the problems are because i’m a horrible person and they’re all my fault and it serves me right.

and that i’d just wanted some tiny modicum of support in the face of a mother who didn’t give a shit about this project that was really important to me and i’m working really hard for. because that is such an alien concept.

and then i ended that he was right that one time he’d said he was actually a shit brother. because the things he tells me not even shits on the street would say. because he is hurtful and it’s obvious that i cannot count on him for even the tiniest of support.

and so i am now apparently completely alone with no one in my corner and the first one of you to say that it’s all my fault and that i should patch things up with my parents and my brother are getting bitch-slapped with the exact same verbal abuse and aggressive atmosphere as i have been steeped in living in this house.

because goddamnit i’m trying so hard and no one sees it and no one is giving a shit except to say that it’s not enough and that i’m a piece of shit.

#in which everything is horrible

ETA: bro emailed back and apologized and was all maybe mom didn't react the way you wanted because she'd had her suspicions which is BULLSHIT because suspicions are no fucking substitute for hello yes i'd like to tell you all the things. i mean she fuCKING ROLLED HER EYES when i got mad at her brushing me off. and he's all yeah no i don't think mom's a saint (ORLY) and i know it's hard to live with her which OH YOU SO HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE and i just hope you get to be independent and live on your own which wow, much support, such love.



* Dylan Thomas

Comments

[capn-mactastic.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you*

If anyone says it's all your fault point them out to me and I will cut a bitch

*moar snuggles*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*clingiest of snuggles* ♥

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's a roller coaster week except the coaster's always plunging down.

It's sad to watch when family members just aren't there for each other and supportive and stuff. I know I'm a crap brother too; I guess I was always a bit distant from my family and now I'm just the quiet one who shows up when necessary. So yeah, I'm not a supportive bro either, and I wish you had more support and help and stuff.

Meanwhile, here are some transatlantic snuggles. They might not be quite as valuable, since the dollar has gone through some depreciation lately, but it's the thought that counts. I hope you feel better, and I'm always pulling for you to succeed. VICTORY! YOU CAN DO IT! DO ALL THE THINGS!

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Hello, Operator? Yes, I would like a crate of those Transatlantic Snuggles, please. /o/

Well I don't know how you are as a brother, but you're a damn good and supportive friend, even with the Atlantic in your way. So that's a plus.

*snuggles up*

[lienne.livejournal.com]

*cozy blankets of internet friendship*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*replaces blankets of internet friendship with the electric fan of internet friendship and the iced water bottle of oh dear gods it's too hot*

*nuzzles*

[ellethill.livejournal.com]

:( I am so sorry things are so difficult right now.
*snuggles you to pieces*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*clingy cuddles*