Fucked up beyond all recognition.*

[bending_sickle]

stuff's happened. lots of stuff. i don't even try to talk about it coherently.

so wednesday i had the meeting with the epilepsy team who was all "yeah so you so don't have epilepsy 'cause we base the diagnosis on the circumstances around the fainting, not the funky brain pattern which you have but could be totally normal for you, and your fainting is always in circumstances where you can totally see why you've fainted, like OMG ZE PAIN or OMG ZE HEAT so we're going to wean you off the meds which a person your age should so not be taking anyway omg" to which i went I KNOW RIGHT to all of that. so in like four weeks i'll be med-free and will be able to have booze again.

wednesday i also put in the request for my medical report thingy which will take forty days and i'm the one who'll have to call them to ask if it's ready for pick-up which fine whatever jesus. there was some mess about maybe my visual field test not being in the report 'cause i did that as an outpatient (even though they took my in-patient folder down with them and all that shit should be there anyway) so i talked to peeps and they were like come thursday.

so thursday i went to the hospital again (this is 19 metro stops and then idk like twenty minutes on the express bus? so y'know, not a cakewalk) and talked to people who sent me to people who hounded down the doctor and eventually i got a reprint of stuff and a doctor's note saying "this be the stuff". i also popped down to put in a request for my MRI scan results (images are not included in the forty-goddamn-fucking days report) and this surprisingly took like fifteen minutes so if i ever feel like it i can pop in a cd and check out the inner squishness of my brain.

and then today i worked on the proposal some more after working on it on monday and last week. the entire process i summed up on tumblr as:

four days, thirteen pages of notes (using three highlight colours), and twenty articles later…i finally think i can write up one sentence with six references

gentlefolk of the internet, welcome to science hell

so with that done i went to check my jobs-and-academia email (i couldn't bear to use my everyday email for job shit because i would panic and die everytime i checked it) and it'd been a goddamn while and lost in emails from job agencies were two emails (dated mar. 15 and mar. 30) from my prof which made me collapse into a spiral of panic:

i fucked up i fucked up i fuCKED UP I FUCKED UP

i finally goddamn checked my email and on the 19th the prof person emailed about possible funding and whether i was still interested in studying the thing and then five days ago about how time was RUNNING OUT and basically HEYO REPLY PLS and and and I FUCKED UP SO HARD OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I FUCKED UP i’ve emailed my updated proposal whICH I JUST NOW FINISHED OMFG and also my cv and was all SORRY I’VE BEEN REALLY ILL REMEMBER MY LAST EMAIL and also YES PLEASE VERY INTERESTED and SOMEBODY HOLD ME OH GODS NO I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP

#I FUCKED UP #PLEASE NO #PLEASE LET ME NOT HAVE FUCKED UP IN WAYS THAT CAN'T BE UNFUCKED #PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME #PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME #THIS IS THE ONLY EGG IN MY BASKET #PLEASE WE'RE LEAVING THE HOUSE IN JUNE #I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO #AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO #PLEASE #OH GODS #OH MY FUCK

i obviously emailed right back waving a great big "omg so sorry for lateness" white flag and also a neon sign going on about how i've been ill (shut up i am milking that excuse until the cow's run dry because i can't exactly say "yes so hospital zonked me out and then meds zonked me out and then i had a case of le sad and also my parents made me curl up wish for death so proposaling has proved difficult), and i said i was so totally omg yes pls still interested in doing the thing, and attached the proposal and cv (which they'd requested for another thing even though they already had it in an old email whatever anyway SEND ALL THE THINGS IN TRIPLICATE) and then there was much crying.

then - well actually previously to the email-checking - my friend cancelled out captain america plans in favour of dinner plans with more peeps and me and at first i was like sure! but then i was like D: because i don't think you understand how much mental prep time i need for social shit, especially if multiple strangers are involved, and also an evening thing? means that THE WHOLE DAY is going to be spent worrying about and prepping for that thing and wow i so couldn't handle that. so i was all:

i was all psyched for a social tomorrow afternoon (lunch and crying over bucky aw yiss) but it’s been cancelled and replaced with a dinner with unknown and multiple peeps and i was freaking out about this before the Email of Doom and now i’m even more freaking out and considering maybe just going I AM A DISAPPOINTMENT TO ALL and cancelling in favour of lying in the sun by the river and hopefully not crying.

eta: i did the thing. i almost cried on the phone and i feel like a monster but i did the thing.

so now i'm still sad somewhere deep beneath the layers of numbness but i've closed my proper email and made a note to check it on monday or else i'll be dying all weekend and i'm going to make tomorrow a self-care hedonistic I DO WHAT I WANT, THOR day involving eating out (idk where but i seem to always end up at japanese places, not that i'm complaining, but a change would be nice but i don't know any other places) and sunbathing by the river (we can has riverbank again! the water's gone down and they've shoveled off the mud) and then crying over the remains of bucky barnes in v.o. aw yiss in the afternoon.

so anyway. i'm on the couch with freezing toes and a lap that's fucking tired of the weight of the laptop and hot milk which is probably luke-warm milk now and i am a cadbury egg of sadness surrounded by a hard shell of anger and bitterness because that's how i roll.

i also really feel like writing but ugh. also i have a hangnail which is making me so not want to write. and the aforementioned JESUS FUCK WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PROPER DESK THAT I CAN SIT AT lap-exhaustion.

so yeah. that's been this week.


* Common expression, more often referred to by the acronym FUBAR

Comments

[seschat.livejournal.com]

Come into my arms, my darling /o/

*gently cuddles the sad away*

*keeps snuggling*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*nuzzles happily in your arms*

[capn-mactastic.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*is snuggled* *cuddles back*

[nuingiliath.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[lienne.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you many snuggles*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

so many snuggles! *is happily snuggled* *cuddles back*

[ellethill.livejournal.com]

*hugs you forever*

Damn, what a week. You did good pushing though it all *pats you on head in shoujou manga-like fashion... which would make no sense if you've never read any, but okay*

But, and I mean everything else sucks, but but but! Yay no terrible illness! Yay no more konking-out-inducing meds! Yay the ability to drink booze again (soon)! At least that's good/better, yes? :)

*continues to hug you forever*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*huggles and cuddles forever*

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Ack! That's a bit of a rough time. I would offer snuggles and hugs, but you seem to have received quite a substantial quantity already, and I wouldn't want to overdose you, so perhaps I will offer you a finely crafted reassuring embrace of friendly vibes, with a hint of juniper scent because I'm drinking gin and tonic.

Also, I know the feeling of being stressed around other people in a social situation. I've buggered out of those tons of times when I didn't know everyone/anyone well and stuff, and sometimes I go anyway and don't really interact much because WALLFLOWER MORE LIKE FAILFLOWER and that's how these things go and hi gin and tonic I'm glad you always love me.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Nonsense, one can never have too many hugs and snuggles! And while usually boozy embraces are a thing to avoid (as they are of the "Hey lil mama lemme whisper in your ear" variety), reassuring friendly vibes are welcomed with open arms /o/

And no, no, no, my friend, there is no such thing as a failflower. There is only the puppyflower.



...what do you do when you go to these social events and there's *gasp* no gin and tonic, though? What do you do, oh Vizier of Gin?

In other news, it's been over a week and no word from Prof Person, so I'm sending them a poke. It's very polite and dripping with why aren't you replyiiiiiing??? subtext.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Puppyflower is a better flower than I. That collar makes me look ridiculous.

My boozy embraces are full of culture and class, I'll have you know. No whispering of boozy creepiness here, no ma'am! I do it with a British accent, because everything's less creepy that way. ;-)

But when an event has no gin, and no other fallback booze (curse you, Middle Eastern countries and your alcohol taboos), then I have no choice but to just stuff my face full of food and hope for the best.

Good luck with the Professor; we want this to work out in all flavors of awesomeness!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

And, unrelated to anything, MORE NANO POST! It's the epic conclusion! Well, the most epic part of it, at least. FAILFLOWER!

And happy weekend!

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Yay Nano! \o/ I'm sure it is epic!

And I know I owe you an email so I'm going to just grovel at your feet and beg for your patience. But! The prof (finally) replied and everything is still on, so yay!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Yay Good Prof News! I was hoping that your email delay was you having a FLAILFLOWER moment because you got good news.

Also, I talked about Captain America. It's like I'm using the blog! CRAZY TIMES!

*lucky hugs*