"I think I speak for all of us when I say, 'Huh?'"*

[bending_sickle]

I watched The Insurmountable Truth About Demons (2000) last night because I once saw a gif from it featuring a bloodied Karl Urban with a dog chain and well obviously I had to watch it.

It...it was an experience. I liveblogged it on Tumblr, and am copy-pasting that posts here. Enjoy. Or grab a bottle because oh my god

alright folks i might do a wee tiny bit of liveblogging because i’m watching the irrefutable truth about demons with karl urban and i am way too sober for this

(playing catch-up of the first five minutes)

• this is the worst organized museum archive basement drawer maze i have ever seen


• please tell me the assistant dies soon


• is karl an anthropologist or a…a WHAT his office is like someone threw science glitter everywhere WE WANT SPIDERS AND NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS AND MASKS AND SKELETONS


• the ~so spooky~ video of vague threatening demonic undertones is…not


• WHAT ARE YOU DOING MIXING YOUR ARCHAEOLOGICAL SPECIMENS WITH YOUR ZOOLOGICAL ONES *science screaming in horror*

in kiwiland elevators they don’t have panels they have round…thingies

fortunately, karl urban’s hair

i feel ya, lady

lady: now this [paper] will offer some protection against sorcery. it’s also a hidden message. but you have to keep it close to your penis.

…did that just happen? what am i watching?!

dude: hello, slave

our hero:

our hero, being kidnapped by punks…?

I UNDERSTAND NOTHING

so after violence, needles, and a dog chain, we end up with

this might’ve been what put this movie on my to-watch list in the first place

not sure if want anymore though

if a guy walks into your fancy shmancy restaurant looking like this

you don’t say “sir, you can’t come in here. sir, i think you’re in the wrong place”

you fucking say “sir, do you need an ambulance?”

#sorry not sorry for so much liveblogging #this movie is like watching devour all over again omg

eta: devour on imdb

i can’t even

there’s a whole lotta shirtless-and-wet karl urban going on here

detracts from the what the flying flipping fucks is going on

#WE HAD BLOODIED AND CRUCIFIED GIRLFRIEND I MEAN WHAT THE HELL

goddamnit main character, stop sticking your hands in random puddles of blood how is this a good idea?!

intimidating silhouette at murder scene: *latin latin latin* IESOUS!!!

…jesus. really. you’re just spreading your arms and shouting “jesus”?

#WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE #KARL WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE

i am so fucking confused with this movie i think the bus is a fucking tram it’s got cables and everything but it’s a bus?!

#seriously y'all this is new zealand's answer to devour i can't even

i have no idea what’s going on i give up i can’t even

#i just i can't i mean #also yes she's rocking the blue glitter raccoon eyeshadow everywhere style #which is actually not half bad #but then you've got the fire hazard #and OH LOOK AT THAT NOW THERE'S STRADDLING AND INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING

nipple teasing ACTUAL NIPPLE TOUCHING it’s not even a sex scene it’s a they want your soooooouuuuul scene

*screams of  WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IIIIIS THIIIIIIS?!*

*after seeing totally-not-brutally-murdered girlfriend making out with the shouty jesuuuuuus evil silhouette demon-master dude*

glitter lady: it makes absolute sense! she’s a zombie, she’s a zombie, completely under his power…

this is all manner of fucked up but the fucking shearing scissors take the cake the kidnapping demon-worshipping punks are using sheep shearing scissors on him i just can’t

eta: in case you'd forgotten, this is set in new zealand, you guys. new zealand. of course there's shearing scissors handy.

you guys i can’t with this movie in like five minutes there was extremely disturbing and ample-tongue kissing of evil dude and not-murdered girlfriend, fondling of the hero’s crotch with the shearing scissors, actual chest cavity exploring and “oh ho ho i got your heart in my literal hands" and now how-are-you-not-dead hero dude and glitter lady are making out

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING FUCKING

we interrupt this clusterfuck of a movie to bring you a giant weta

sure, it’s being handled by the hero’s dead brother who has massive demonic eyes and is going on about power and faith and you are fucked, bro

but GIANT WETA \o/

evil dude: i got your heart soul

hero dude: you sure about that?

hero dude: i got my heart right here! (but no rib cage because screw rib cages)

evil dude: i am shocked!

don’t be a demonic high priest, kids

the mortality rate is brutal

it’s over.

the demon worshipers are dead except for the not-brutally-murdered girlfriend. the hero and glitter lady are in a mental institution and he can resurrect insects. also, n-b-m girlfriend just got attacked by the demonic spirit whatsit of our hero’s dead (actually murdered not suicide…ed) brother who was in the backseat of her car.

i understand nothing.

in conclusion: do not recommend, like not even as a purposely bad movie just no. don’t.

*Frank Beddor, Seeing Redd

Comments

[mad-bertha.livejournal.com]

I feel you've probably made the movie waaay more enjoyable.

Now I don't need to watch it.

Thanks!

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Aw, you're welcome! It was...mainly it was just confusing as all hell. It was also full of half-naked wet Karl Urban but I'm not sure it was worth it.