bending_sickle | Here are the test results: You are a horrible person.*

so things have not been easy lately. i've been going trying to drag my ass out of the leave me here to die zone, meaning i've recently been cooped up in my room not doing much of anything because i am a horrible failure at everything but these past few days i've been a bit better about things and actually doing a few more things or planning to which yay.

anyway. yeah so i've not been okay.i'm talking backing away from the balcony, not being able to read a short paragraph, erratic sleep patterns, sudden jolts of oh my god everything is horrible aaah, and long stretches of if i just stopped all mental and physical activity maybe that'd be okay not okay.

and since my parents have the perceptiveness of a near-sighted and slightly-concussed moles, they think i'm having a grand ol' time cooped up forever in my room. possibly watching television shows. (which ahaha because i haven't been able to watch shit in ages what with not caring and not having any attention span whatsoever). which means they get angry at me for not hanging out with them or not going outside (where outside? anywhere outside, apparently. because just being out of the house even if it's standing on a street corner is a good thing, which, yeah, i'm not really with you on that) instead of noticing that hey, not okay.

like today i stopped actually doing something productive (omg what) by which i mean writing which i haven't done in weeks and weeks which tells you how not okay things are, and went to the kitchen to help set the table and the noms and shit. except mom'd already started and only set salad out for herself on her own little plate. so i'm like, "...can i eat too?" and she starts shouting and being all aggressive and idk can you? aren't you too busy? all in your room and shit? your dad doesn't see you for days! and i'm just like, "...weeell i guess i can't eat with you" and well that's up to you! and "well no i'm not going to be with you if you're going to shout at me so no, i'm not having lunch with you" and...that was that. because of course the thing to do when you're upset at someone not spending time with you is to violently shout at them when they go to spend time with you.

so whatever, fine, i went back to my room and tried to write more which was fucking hard because attention span in the shits until i could go have lunch without being yelled at.

so i barely made it through salad and was heating up leftovers when mom is all "if you have time you want talk to your bro?" and god fucking damn it i hate getting the phone after mom's been talking to my bro because of course she's been complaining and bitching about me to him and reeling her own version of things and so conversations with my bro just end up being him trying to confirm that i am indeed that horrible or "so mom says you've been x" or whatever.

so anyway this was an upsetting phone call as most of my conversations with my bro are because ugh.

so at first he was all "so mom told me she wants to go on holiday for her birthday and i was wondering if you wanted to go" and i'm like "i didn't know about this why she no tell me she can damn well ask me what the fuck and no no no if the trip is going to be as horrible terrible full of shouting and tears and misery as the previous years' trips" (I AM TIRED OF CRYING ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE YELLING AT ME for example) "then no i don't want to go" and he's all "well you don't know if its going to be like that" and i'm like "BUT I CAN DAMN WELL THINK IT MIGHT BE and IT DEPENDS ON PEOPLE" and apparently my bro thinks it only depends on me because i'm the only one being difficult and horrible

and then it was back to the same old fucking tune of him asking me if i've done x or y specific thing about jobs and me going no and him going well okay nothing else to talk about then which WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT ALL I AM IS THAT ALL HE CARES ABOUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON THE MOUNTAIN.

and when i went into this same old tired shpeel of capslocky rage and why you no caaaaare flails, saying things like, "BUT YOU NO ASK ME ANYTHING ELSE YOU NO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE OR ME AS A PERSON YOU JUST ASK ABOUT THING, IF DONE THING" he was all "but that is important thing!" and "well what else am i going to ask you? i'm not going to ask you what tv show you're watching" which I TAKE INSULT TO THAT OMFG I AM MORE THAN THAT SWEET FUCK ALMIGHTY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I HAVE FEELINGS AND WORRIES AND SHIT FUCK GAH.

except i was even less coherent because anger and verbal communication and spanish don't mesh well with me at fucking all.

and then OH AND THEN he was all "you can't stay in your room forever it's going to end badly" which WELL THANKS FOR THAT VOTE OF CONFIDENCE YAY IT'S NOT LIKE I'M PESSIMISTIC ENOUGH I MEAN GREAT THAT YOU BELIEVE IN ME NOW I CAN REALLY GET A MOVE ON THANKS WOW YOU SO AWESOME

AND THEN IT GOT WORSE

he started on "even people in prison who are locked up are doing stuff"

and that's when i just fucking hung up because FUCK FUCK FUCK.

* GLaDOS, Portal