There are many ways of getting strong, sometimes talking is the best way.*

[bending_sickle]

i've been meaning to write about this for oh i guess a month now or anyway since valentine's day because that was my first session with the therapist lady. so basically hiya here is a stream-of-consciousness babble about how things are going on the mental front.

so i'm seeing therapist lady every monday now, and there's a lot of talking about my mother



there's also a lot about how i feel and how i interpret things (therapist lady is a cognitive psychologist person so yeah) and she'll set me things to do during the week to be more aware of my thinky thought processes, like writing down things i enjoy doing, or paying attention to what i think right before i feel when my mom upsets me, and stuff like that.

and i still fidget like a monkey on crack whenever i'm talking, and i do this thing where i honest to god don't remember upsetting things so i'll be sitting there going i have no idea how i feel about this or what happened i don't know anything and the last few times i've been totally not crying but like barely and this last session was really really hard because i'd had a crap weekend involving massive fight with the parents and me running away to the circus park and sitting there knitting all day and also a lot of hyperventilating and anxiety and curling-up-on-the-bed-trying-to-remember-how-to-breathe and also with the sobbing.

so yeah. tough week.

so what we're working on now is basically getting me out. by which i mean getting all my things together and my ducks in a row so i can find a place in another country and go there and not die. so yep. step one is asking everyone i know for help in the move, which *internal screaming*

but yeah. i just really really need to not be here.

also two sessions ago therapist lady asked me if i'd ever had a panic attack and i said no because all i remembered was that panic attacks make you feel like you're dying or having a heart attack and i was like heart palpitations what what but i recently looked up the symptoms again and ahahaha yeah i think i've had the other ones, if huddling and rocking under a table crying and shaking and hyperventilating and having my skin tingle all over and thinking i'm not really anchored in my body is anything to go by. ah, fun times. so i'll talk about that next week.

i think i started this with the aim of talking about something specific but fuck it. *vague gestures* here endeth the documentation.


* Andre Agassi, Open

Comments

[capn-mactastic.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you* It sounds good that the therapist is helping you work on getting out.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I'd help you move but it's a bit of a drive for me to get to where you are, so, uh, sorry. ;-)

I hope all continues to go well with therapy. I've been thinking about you and how things were going and just hoping happy thoughts.

Also, +1, Blade Runner pic. Well-played.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*clings to +1 proudly* I've had the "let me tell you about my mother" line running through my head every single session.

Also thanks very much for the happy thoughts; you're a darling.

And eh, don't worry about helping me move, but you're not weaseling out of helping me asseble the Ikea furniture that easily ;) In all seriousness, though, if you have contacts in Germany (not exactly picking a country at random but close), or any experience in making the leap into the Vaterland, (anything from "avoid the preztels at all costs!" to "this youth hostel gives away chocolate" is welcome*), do share.


* Okay, not so much seriousness.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I am a friggin' master of IKEA furniture. Except for beds. I mess those up every time. I've had the same IKEA bed for several years now, and every time I move, I put it together wrong again. FUCK YOU IKEA BEDROOM FURNISHINGS, FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE MUELTHEIM OR WHATEVER YOU CALL THIS BED.

German advice: BEER! AND LOTS OF IT!

That's probably not terribly helpful, actually. Also, my advice is more touristic in nature. Frankfurt: BUTT UGLY. Every other city: BETTER THAN FRANKFURT. Except maybe Bonn, which is just BOOOOOORING. Also, I don't know enough about the former East Germany, except apparently that Berlin is MAD PIMPING.

I should stop helping right about now. Yeah... ;-)

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Yeah I've been thinking about Berlin. And beer will be a necessary part of the acclimatization process ;)

And all help is good, never fear.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I want to go to Berlin one day. It's been a while since I've been to Germany, and I had never been to Berlin, ever. So if you move there, then I'll have a place to crash. What a great plan! I'm glad you thought of that. ;-)

[seesmooshrun.livejournal.com]

I'm proud of you, happy for you, glad you are staying with your therapist even through the pain I'm sure your sessions create. Good for you!

Trust the process.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Thanks <3