bending_sickle | Leaving would imply suitcases and empty drawers*

Today's been better than yesterday's low point (not a hard achievement) but it's still been pretty low. I have done absolutely nothing. I had a horrible night yesterday in that I had an anxiety-filled (and centered and bordered) dream.

I'm on a bus which is an airport-shuttle and a caravan and a long-distance bus all in one. I'm with my family and we cross past the airport barrier - tall white gates and barbed wire an border vibes and all the planes are behind it, separate from the actual airport building. I get off the bus and my classmate from Costa Rica - Ji Sung - hands me my bags and we get them on the ground and everyone's off to the plane but I forgot one bag so I get back on the bus to find it. The bus starts up again and crosses the border out of the airport and I can't find my bag and now I'm out of the airport but I need to get back in for my plane because it's going to leave without me.

I manage to get off the bus and approach the border of the plane area and beg a soldier to please let me across and she finally does but then I'm in a huge vast neighbourhood complex and there's a blanket on the grass with people's possessions and I'm looking for my bag and then I'm going up some stairs to see a friend from Kenya - Fred - and feeling guilty because I never sent him photographs. (This is true.) I have books under my arm and decide to give them to him but then decide to keep one because I haven't read it even though it's all tattered and worn and read, and it's beautiful writing, and I need to get my bag and I need to get back to the plane area and get on the plane because they're going to leave without me.

Translation and analysis: Oh hai, anxiety! Pretty much over everything, but mainly travel, being left behind (oh hai, abandonment issues!) and being the one leaving people behind (oh hai, life!), and losing my possessions (oh hai, life!).

So I woke up all anxious and horrified, with a pack of little dodos flapping around shrieking "Dooooom!" at me, and felt that way - dragged down, anxious, and awful - all morning. If only I'd been able to sleep after that dream, just to not wake up from that and have to start the day... It was a horrible, horrible morning.

Oh, and whilst I was sleeping, thank the gods for ear plugs because my parents - who listen to the radio and talk really loudly and bang plates about the kitchen (which is the room next to mine) all the time - were shouting and arguing and I think my mother even was crying and I just did not want to hear that. At all. Anymore.

So I walked to the park and knit a few rows of the most god-aweful rag ever. (I wanted colourful, gender-neutral yarn. I got the kind that turns different colours along its length. Grey, brown, green and orange. Horrid.) I listened to Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap, which was nice.

Then lunch happened and I watched The Daily Show and eventually went to Piazza Navona for Nutella-crepe at the Christmas market and it was disappointingly undercooked and soft, and the Nutella made me feel like I'd swallowed a lead ball, but goddamnit, chocolate and thing-I-had-wanted. Then I walked back and streamlined American Horror Story some more.

My legs ache - especially my left one, for a change - about the knee and ankle, and have been doing so for a couple days (due, probably, to my having run for two days straight). Constant achey pain ftw, I guess.

I have 167 tabs open, and only about 10 of those are tabs I actually usually keep open. (Actually usually it's more like three or four, but there's fanfic there I will read or so help me kittens.) Yet once again I'm going to say fuck it to reblogging and LotD.

Quote of the Day: Henry Rollins

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn't matter - it's only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you.

* Julie Kagawa, The Iron King