It was code. It just said, "They're hurting us. Get me out."*

[bending_sickle]

So. I watched Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. It was awesome. I bought a ticket to go visit my brother. This is also awesome.

Except now I'm a crying and not-breathing or breathing-too-fast mess and 80% of that is probably hormones hating me and I should probably at some point in my life actually go see someone about that because this shit just ain't normal but the other 15% is just everything pretty much sucking and me being too much of I-don't-even-know-what to do anything and then 5% of that is my mother being my mother, which means all her litanies of things I should have done or should be doing or haven't done and all the ways in which I am a terrible disappointment and waste and good gods what am I doing at my age and just gah.

Maybe the reason I haven't emailed Person about following up on that "so you know people in this organization" line is this giant-ass fucking crippling can't I'm experiencing. I don't even care if that makes sense to anyone. I know, I'm being incredibly irresponsible and doing the avoidance dance like a boss. But I just can't deal with it - or couldn't. Maybe once I stop trying to cry my fucking face off I'll be able to get down to doing that.

But the idea of looking for a job again, just failure after failure after failure and realizations that I've done everything wrong and don't know what I want or anything are not conducive to the happy feelings. And my support system is pretty fucking sparse here, and 100% through the internet. (Well, there's my brother's once-in-a-blue-moon support-talks-on-the-phone.) But here at home it's just the mother-chisel chipping away at me at the weak spots and I can't handle that and the crippling can't and also the failure, apathy and avoidance to beat down the future into submission.

Now excuse me I have to keep on crying and making a mess of everything because fuck this shit. Fuck you, hormones.

I miss my brother.

I hate where I am in my life and I can't seem to get out, or figure out how to get out, or get the energy to try and get out. I just want to curl up and let everything wash over and past.

Actually no excuse me I'm going to keep listening to this on repeat. I'll probably be okay by tomorrow. I just got hit with a massive wave of anxiety and tears and can't handle it right now.

Baby steps will be taken in the right direction, and even though they're not enough, they're something, and worst comes to worse I can always face the total mental breakdown that would be packing up my life into a suitcase (again times infinity) and flying out to some unknown corner of gods-know and then I don't even know. I could do it, too. If I wasn't afraid it might break me, that is. I mean, I totally could just pick up and go and I'd be even be able to do it to, skills-wise. It'd break me, but I could do it. Why don't I do it?


* Simon Tam, "Firefly" 1x01

Comments

[phantmgreeneyes.livejournal.com]

I think you're lovely, just as you are. But you're right, hormones are a wicked bitch.
*massive glompy huggles*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Hormones need to cut it out, seriously. As for you:

[phantmgreeneyes.livejournal.com]

That was the cutest GIF I have ever seen.
*brain explodes from cute*

[lienne.livejournal.com]

*hugs you forever*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*hugs back, also forever* ♥

[seschat.livejournal.com]

Noooo. Pleeease. I just want you to be healthy and happy, and I'm so very sorry you're feeling this way, my love. :( If you want or need to talk things over, you know I'm always there to listen, and send you lots of love and cuddles.

*hugs you tightly, doesn't let go*

...*cradles your hand*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Like I said, most of that was probably hormones, which every once in a while give me a week of misery and depression and CRY OVER EVERYTHING and BE ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING. But I'd also just bought the ticket to go see my bro, and that was done with my parents, and it was really, really stressful and judgy ("Well, I don't know what dates would be good. I don't know what you have to do in February. Have you got a job lined up, what are you doing?" Only, y'know, more judgy and sarcastic and mean.) And there's a lot of stress flying around the house anyway, all the time, and a lot of disappointed judging too (like, we'll be talking about this movie we're going to go watch and I'll be telling mom about this actor who's in it and I like, telling her where she might have seen him in, and suddenly she's all *disappointed tears* and "No, no, stop talking about movies to me." Like, wtf conversation no-go). Sooooo everything's just grr, argh.

[seschat.livejournal.com]

"I'll be telling mom about this actor who's in it and I like, telling her where she might have seen him in, and suddenly she's all *disappointed tears* and "No, no, stop talking about movies to me." - Wait, what? Why? Why the tears, what?

Anyone who tries being judgy at you can get the fuck out, please and thank you. Y'know, I'm glad you have the tickets now and all, but what even are your folks doing, GOD DAMN IT RAGE BLACKOUT erhfdklvc. Gah. :(((

*sends you hugs and kisses and smishes and all the loooove*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Wait, what? Why? Why the tears, what? - Because television isn't important and why do I even care and look at how I'm just waaaasting my time oh the disappointment. (And then she'll be like, "Oh you know, that actor. Hey, did you know they're married to X?" when she knows idgaf.)

...there may be drama when I go visit my brother, but at least he's the *leaves the room all quiet with a couple choice words if at all* type. But that's 'cause he's my brother and it comes with the territory. *shakes fist at siblinghood gods*

*covers you with hugs and kisses* I have done NOTHING today and I don't care *crazy smile*

[seschat.livejournal.com]

And then she'll be like, "Oh you know, that actor. Hey, did you know they're married to X?" when she knows idgaf - What the everloving... LET ME TAKE YOU AWAY OH MY GOD.

...there may be drama when I go visit my brother - What's he got to throw a ~tantrum about? Brothers.

I have done NOTHING today and I don't care - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW GOING FOR CREPES IS A VERY IMPORTANT ACTIVITY.

*covers you with hugs and kisses* - Come at me! XD

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

What's he got to throw a ~tantrum about? Brothers. - Oh, no, not that at all. He's going to give very sensible, caring and supportive advice on things. And we can't have that now, can we? (But we'll probably still fight bitterly over some stupid thing or other because it's what siblings do.)

Come at me! XD - OH SWEET LORD OF NGH *glomps gif and you too*

[capn-mactastic.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*is snuggled* *cuddles back*