bending_sickle: (Shitty day)
[personal profile] bending_sickle
Have some more of that life and employment crap.

So today I woke up to a bad day again, because my mother takes affront at my wanting to buy my own damn Christmas cards to send to my own damn recipients instead of having her pick out and buy them, no matter how convenient because she's going there anyway and all that. So the day started with me wibbling down the street. There was more wibbling throughout the day, including Ye Hiding in Public Bathrooms and Crying.

There was also some work drama - well, not drama, just me being a moron instead of a paranoid freak - because I'm apparently supposed to triple-check that, when Person is asked to do his job, as per my emailed to-do list, Person actually does it and does it correctly. Which I'm really getting sick of because gah. So I didn't do that today because goddamnit it's not that hard to follow instructions of where to put in commas and shite, and of course that's the one time Supervisor picks through it with a fine-tooth comb and finds a mistake. And this is added to stupid mistakes I failed to pick up on or made yesterday, and Supervisor is like, "You used to be better at this," and "You really need to check this" and, when I apologized this morning, "Well, it happens, people get tired" (to which I mentally respond how 1) I've not had any fuck-ups prior to this, in all these long months, and 2) I'm not tired, I'm frustrated like hell and crying into my keyboard, so excuse me if I don't triple-check other people's work - people who, by the way, are higher on the job-ladder than I am. So there was that.

I had coffee with the friendly acquaintance this morning (and we did the kiss-and-embrace hello, and she's always so genuinely pleased to see me it's heart-warming) and we talked about all that happened yesterday. And she's also displeased at the offer I've gotten (and a professional acquaintance basically said that holy crap was I doing work above an internship level and that is just not cool) and that if there were something to work towards, like, "okay, you do a few more months as an intern, but then you get to be a real girl", then maybe but as it is, it's just more of the same with the same end-situation. So yeah, it's not nice treatment of folk. And so maybe it's not that bad to not want to do this extension, especially when a) there's no established project I'd be working on, just whatever they can figure out now, b) there's no future, c) Supervisor's being less than involved, and d) it's making me this miserable to just think about it.

I also talked with another friendly acquaintance and for once he was actually interested in what I had to say (usually it's more about him, and he did, eventually, wander off to show off some new work to folks, but that was fine by me because I'd just gotten over a wibble-fest and didn't want to hang out in his office all that much, so win-win). But. He was also making big eyes and "what's this shit" faces at my situation. And he also waxed poetic to his friend on all the work I'd done (!!!) which was sweet. He's really a darling, despite. So talking with Female Acquaintance and Male Acquaintance and even Guy From Cafeteria Who Always Tries to Say My Last Name and is Really Lovely (and whose name I ought to learn) made me happy. (Female Acquaintance actually brought to mind the Bible quote of "Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it." because she was just so nice and supportive and caring and I was just floored because this does not happen to me with strangers. Or most people I see nowadays face-to-face. (Seriously, if it weren't for the internet I'd have no support system.) So yay for good things! There's not many of those lately. (Another good thing is that mom's transferring all our tapes to mp3s and she's done some of my mix tapes so I'm listening to music from the 90s and it's glorious.)

I think I'm going to have coffee with another acquaintance tomorrow - or almost-friend - and bring this up. And I'll definitely talk about this with my ex-supervisor-and-firm-friend on Friday. Not with my mother because she could agree that this is a shite career not-even-move or she could say that a job is a job and experience is experience and weeee! And gods know, maybe I'll pack a bag and buy a ticket to somewhere and try to build from the ground up. And fail to find accommodations or a job and then die in a ditch.

Ad then when I got hope in an almost good mood because, dude, cards!, I didn't close the front door properly because the neighbours were locking their door, ready to come out, and when I walked past them to go up the stairs the man berated me for not closing the door, although he then basically adding, "No, I'm just kidding. But seriously, close the door, it's important." And while it is, and I've wailed and gnashed my teeth at all the idiots who fail to close the door when they leave because people get robbed, I told the guy that the reason I didn't push the door into its latch was because they were going out and I figured I'd be somewhat polite or at least not be like, "fuck y'all, open your own dam door" and then there I was fucking defending my attempt at consideration to a fucker who doesn't know how to joke or that you should godamn well be kind to strangers because they might be barely holding it together. So cue wibbles up the stairs. Then mom happened.

So I've been feeling like crap today. The only good thing is that unlike yesterday's three-hour walk about town looking for goddamn cards to send to darlings, today I found awesome cards at, hilariously enough, the same bookstore chain I tried two of yesterday and it only took me two hour and most of that was me staring at the cards and trying to figure out if people I hardly know will like them or be offended (although how one can be offended by reindeer, I don't know). Anyway, I got cards and it's awesome. Some even have glitter.

I haven't made much progress on sprucing up Time 3. (Sorry [livejournal.com profile] seschat! I need to write a missing-scene-that-really-ought-not-be-missing and a meme-drabble and then fight with Word's pagination and then edit it for the free proof and and five copies) thing. What the fuck am I going to do with five copies of what is basically half a novel and I'm not even that pleased with it? Or, well, with three copies, 'cause two I know what to do with. But argh. Five. Maybe in a few years I'll throw them all together into an omnibus, or maybe even an anthology of stories and novels, but this year is not that year because shit still needs to be written. Damnit, Time 3, why you not end?! ...maybe I can resolve it in the Time 0 novel I want to write. Like, instead of flashbacks being the tid-bits, flashforwards as the little extras. Oooooh, two birds might have just hit the ground!

Aaand I'm going to go off and watch something wholesome or funny or whatever, because my head, my heart, my gods... Don't quite know what I'll watch, because we're entering that period of "everything's on hiatus!" which is the curse of the holidays. Except Sherlock, which is apparently a few weeks away, and Doctor Who, which is love and coming for Christmas.

As an aside, I can tell I'm getting older because suddenly an average of six hours of sleep a night for the week doesn't kill me (until around 10:30 pm, after which I am dangerously close to the dozing-off range). How so awake, body? (I still pack the hours in on weekends, though.)

Enough ramble. I'm not sure if this or my long-stretches of silence-and-links is better.

Quotes of the Day: 1) [livejournal.com profile] cleolinda, here and 2) Denis Leary
Because even when you grasp the idea that depression is an ailment and not a personal failing... it still feels like a personal failing. You know you're clinically depressed, but you feel like you're just lazy, lonely, hopeless, pathetic. Or sometimes you don't realize you're ill, because those feelings of anxiety and shame and helplessness sneak up on you and feel legitimate, and that's why you don't realize you need help. [...] Because your sadness and fatigue and anxiety feel mild at first, and they seem like rational responses to things going on in your life, and then you end up missing some deadline or not completing some goal or not living up to your own expectations because you're already sad and tired, and then the negativity does seem justified: "I'm not depressed; I'm a loser."

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.

Links of the Day:
Supernatural:
[livejournal.com profile] spn_redemption - "Redemption Road is a fan-generated, large-scale AU project created by members of the SPN and Dean/Castiel fandoms. Episodes and artwork are posted each week beginning October 6, 2011."
[livejournal.com profile] spnroundtable's Meta Anatomy of a Character: Sherriff Mills
[livejournal.com profile] likiel's Fanvid What the hell am I doing right?! ; Fanvid This Close (Sam)
[livejournal.com profile] ash48's Fanvid What the Duck?! - "The story behind Duck Nation"
[livejournal.com profile] el1ie's Fanvid Draw the Line (Sam, Dean)
[livejournal.com profile] kaiyote's Fanvid My Sweetest Downfall (Castiel/Balthazar)
Supernatural Wiki's Bobby's Numbers


Doctor Who:
[livejournal.com profile] tennant_love's Video A festive interview with David Tennant

Other Fandom:
[livejournal.com profile] obsessive24's Ringer Review 1x10 ; Harry Potter Fanvid Disarm
[livejournal.com profile] mresundance's Thor Fanvid I Just Had Sex
Frak That's Battlestar Gallactica Screencaps


Random:
[livejournal.com profile] ursulav's NaNoFiMo - "You are not an imposter posing as a writer, you are not Doin’ It Wrong" ; On watching Chopped - ""Smother me with a pillow,” I begged Kevin. “I am NOT FIT TO LIVE.”"
[livejournal.com profile] redscharlach's Recipe Roasted shallot and apple chutney
[livejournal.com profile] theweaselking's "Aliens, on ice!" ; Kidnapper sues kidnappees for "breach of contract" because they promised they wouldn't escape, and did.
[livejournal.com profile] fandomsecrets' Wank over people disrespecting Earl Grey tea (see this comment of win, especially) - *shakes fists* Do not insult the Earl!
Washington Post's Cuddly puppies help law students de-stress before exams
Neil Gaiman's On The Simpsons ; Audiobooks: A cautionary tale



* Stephen Vincent Benet

Date: 2011-12-07 10:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seschat.livejournal.com
*hugs you close* Oh darling. I just - ugh, your supervisor makes me so fucking mad. You absolutely deserve so much more than that, and this job has been draining you. Whatever it is you decide on, darling, I have your back, always, but maybe you really should consider the "buying a ticket and goodbye" option. It's scary as shit, but your job and your living situation have been dragging you down so much - I hate to see it. :( I wish I could help, do something. Hug you. But, alas... *gives you a sad little virtual hug*

*holds on forever and ever*

Date: 2011-12-07 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bending-sickle.livejournal.com
If I weren't such a panicky mess of insecurity, I'd be packing right now. (Well, not now, I needs mah sleep.) But yeah, this is worse than being alone and stressed. It's alone, stressed and negatively judged.

*cliiiiiiiiiiiings*

Date: 2011-12-08 12:08 am (UTC)
ext_27713: An apple with a heart-shape cut into it (quotes: other: hugs that blanket)
From: [identity profile] lienne.livejournal.com
*hughughug*

Date: 2011-12-08 08:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bending-sickle.livejournal.com
*cuddlecuddlecuddle*

Date: 2011-12-08 12:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mrscastielftw.livejournal.com
You are such a wondrous and lovely person. I hate it when your day has been less than the magnificence that you deserve.

*Holds You Tight*

Date: 2011-12-08 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bending-sickle.livejournal.com
Shush, you're the wonderous and lovely person ♥ *clings tightly*

Date: 2011-12-08 06:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] likiel.livejournal.com
Hon, I'm very flattered that you rec two of my fanvids for your post, especially if this is a personal post and a way to get through a crappy day!

Come on have this:

"Life is like a train its barring down on you and guess what, it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when its far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come." Eric Forman- That's 70's show

Kiss and hug!

Date: 2011-12-08 09:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bending-sickle.livejournal.com
Well, your fanvids were pretty moving! What the hell am I doing right was short but I loved the hand-holding shots and Dean's sad little praying-face, while This Close was, as you say in your interview, all about the epic. (And the song! It's beautiful!) I'm sorry for being such a lurker, though, and not commenting on your post. I hope this makes up for it!

And thanks for the quote and hugs! *hugs back*

Date: 2011-12-08 10:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] likiel.livejournal.com
No, not a lurker! No need to apologize hon! I'm so happy you liked those two works that I'm pretty much over the moon lol ^^ And this sooo makes up for it anyway!

Kiss!

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