bending_sickle | I ain't so sure about this place.*

Good gods, this isn't good. I've been pretty zoned out** for the past three hours. This means that if I want to make up the work I owe today (nevermind Monday and Tuesday), I'll only be able to stop in good conscience by 8, or actually 7 because no one works 8 hours straight with nigh a break.

:(

I wish things were different.

I wish that maybe I'd known I could have stayed in Canada, maybe gone to U of T - probable living with parents regardless - and then just plain old stayed on and on. Dad only decided to tell me this, that I could get an extension on my paperwork, sometime in fucking July of the summer I was leaving. It's just... I don't know what to do and I've made major life choice decisions not actually wanting those decisions, just sort of being forced into them. I moved to Spain because I thought I had to, no longer being a student and thus not having a student visa, and being over 18 so buh-bye diplomatic status. And then I tried to get into a uni in the States but no one wanted me. I don't think I got a single acceptance. And so here I am in the fucking Netherlands - I mean, who thinks about this country? And I still don't know what I want to do or even what I can do. "Job career, wtf?" And I don't think I want to stay here. Stupid country with it's stupid wind and stupid lack of winter and stupid Dutch language and evil Dutch people with their "Ooh, we'd like you better if you were Dutch" mentalities. I want to go home***.

And one other thing. People - family and friends-of-the-family - keep telling me that after the astounding heap of shit-luck, I'm due for a good turn. But that's not true! Lots of people are miserable their whole lives! Lots of people lead shitty lives, making due with things they don't deserve, things never actually getting good. Lots of people never get to be happy. Lots of people turn into bitter, lonely souls just trudging through. They may deserve happy endings, or happy plots, but they don't get it. Do you know how depressing this idea is?!? It doesn't have to get better! It could even get worse, just for the universe's shizzles.

For the record, the mood-icon's been changed from sad to lonely, back to sad, then straight into crushed. It's 1:30 and I have to work.

Links of the Day:

nowhack's Fanvid: Heroes Character Theme Songs

ssauei_ssui's Fanfic: I Promise (Doctor Who, Koschei/Theta, Ten/Master)
Susanna Clarke's Short Story: Mrs Mabb (Audio) (available for the next 6 days; click on Tuesday)

saxonvoters's compile Doctor Who-themed alcoholic drinks

woolly_socks's Picspam: Tennant's Twisty Faces (also links to other picspams, such as Glasses are Sexy and

tennant_love's Tag: Picspam)
Werol's DeviantArt Account is pretty

* Shawn Mullins, "Lullaby"
** So zoned out I failed the PWP test: if I find myself completely uninsterested in well-written kitchen-sex (

capn_mactastic's) and just skimming over it for the sake of appearances, then I'm very dazed.
*** Those who know my life-history will laugh bitterly along with me at this sentiment.