'You have to be strong, we all have to be strong,' my mother said without looking at me.*

[bending_sickle]

The fact of yesterday is that I went to Leiden because it was market day, and I walked around the stalls and bought odd items for lunch, including dolamdakia (aka dolamdes or dolma) out of nostalgia for my stint in Athens.

The problem of having lived in so many places is that you can't help but be materialistic, because there are so many things that once were part of your life and environment that you know now you'll never see again. I know where to get the best spanakopita ever, but it's a long way away.

I grew up on tropical fruit and seeing the lousy green petacon mangoes (at over 1 E each) makes me sad. Did you know I had mad skilz when it come to mangoes? Mad skilz and no mangoes makes Sickle a sad thing.

Then I tried to work on my outline, because not having done anything on Friday meant I have to put in 8 hours of work this weekend. (Ha!)

Then Ma' Skyped. We went over how in 6 months I've failed to conjure up a social network. I mentioned that the friendships I'd managed to start were in the pit because the people left. Do you know how much it sucks to makes friends with people - or acquaintances - and to have everyone leave? Then the two friends I do have - ish - are away on holiday. In fucking Hawai'i and Istanbul.

And my classmates are godsknowwhere and my program-mates - of which there are seven or so - are all Dutch and also godsknowwhere. And I try to set something up with them, like with Mariska and Elise, whith whom I worked in groups a couple of times, and get a resounding lack of anything. Mariska I understand because it takes her 2 hrs to get to our middle ground, Leiden. But Elise lives there, and all she had to say to my, "Hey, let's get together sometime", was, "Hey, since we'll be working in the same department building, we can take a break together sometime." Translation: go downstairs to the cafeteria. Also? We won't be in the same department building, because the department has fucking run out of computers and desks to lend to students - they're quite embarrassed about it, like that helps - so I'll be working from home or in any other computer lab I can find.

I'll have to go to Leiden twice a week for my own sanity, because working from home for four months is a recipie in insanity. I need to talk to people. I was talking with mom yesterday and my brain just shut down on language. I just couldn't express myself, and not because I was particularly riled, just *poof*. Talking not happening. This is bad, obviously.

So mom 'n I've come up with a sort of action plan, which involves my checking out a Salsa class which Landen mentioned - despite my "meh" on Salsa and "ah! nonono" on dancing - and similar things.

Because if I don't do things with people, don't have a sort of social life or even borderline contact, I think I might swing into Bad Mental Place.

I know this isn't good for me, this not having anyone. And I know I have to make an effort - huge fucking effort - to try and nab social moments. But its hard - of course it's hard - and harder still specifically because a) not living in a residence and b) did I mention the fucking small program? and lack of classes? The people I met at the bar with Landen were all in his program, and all living together or near enough, and all still taking classes together. See? That makes things easier less hard.

My mom said yesterday that she didn't want me to go the way my brother did his first few years in Chicago. I don't want to go that way either. But I'm horrified that she thinks I could - and I so seriously could too - and wants me to put a stop before the slide. My brother too said he wishes I'd be stronger.

About my brother: his first few years in Chicago as an ultra-young PhD student were hard on him. I don't know the details - God forbid his sister know these things - but he was pretty stressed and solitary and eventually diagnosed with clinical depression, meds and shrink included. And now I'm in pretty much the same situation, and it's not like I haven't been deathly miserable before. The last year of univ. sucked ass, emotionally, and these past two years have sucked even more any way you look at it.

And then I think about my first cousin who has anxiety disorder or panic disorder or whatever - ie. panic attacks - and that just makes me all the more freaked.

So I worry because I can see what's going on and what's wrong and what I have to do and I can also see that hello! actually not ok with the whole lonely little petunia syndrome.

Goddamnit. I want to be happy and social and with friends and doing this program shit and getting on with my life and actually starting living and I don't want to spend my days just waiting out the hours in a lull or trying not to cry in public places for no fucking reason.

Yes, I am quite upset - apply British understatement here - at the moment whilst writing this. I'd meant to start working half an hour ago, but I had to...

You know what else sucks? I'm tired. I'm tired of making friends and then having them leave, or me leaving. I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired ot thinking back years and years ago and missing who I was and who I was with.

And if my parents leave Canada this year, I'll probably never go back there and there's people there that I need to see. I need to see them right now. The brownie party's on me.

Ok. Work now. Then lunch. Then out into the world.

ETA: You know what I'd love? And need? To got to Montreal. I love that city like no man's business. And if Kit's still there - because I goddamn will go - then I'm hugging her and quite possibly never letting go. And if she's not, then I'm huntin' her down. We live too far away, muffin.


Links of the Day:
Spiders on Drugs
Tiger kills crocodile (alternate link)


* Hockey Night in Canada (1982) in Red Plaid Shirt (2003), by Diane Schoemperlen (Excerpt)

Comments

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

But I miss winter! Give me snow and ice and the sense of acomplishment just getting out the door brings! (Honestly, I do miss snow rather than perpetual end-of-fall weather.)

[(Anonymous)]

ok, it's true. i WOULD miss winter to an extent if i didn't have it. but does it have to be so HARSH and WINDY? i got pelted with ice rain on friday. it felt like pop rocks snapping and popping against my skin. NOT FUN.

so do your leaves change colour at all??

xxx
kit-kat

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Honey, I got harsh and windy right here. Windy like you wouldn't believe! And bitter cold rain that thinks horizaontal is an acceptable direction.

All this and no snow! All the suck and no snow!

And yes, dear, the trees - most of 'em - do the whole "Ah! Vinter!" But really, it's like a perpetual late fall.