The only real failure in life is the failure to try.*

[bending_sickle]

I have mentioned how much I suck at getting anything done, haven't I?

...I could say a lot more, but really, that's it. I fail at getting stuff done. Anything. Everything. Of any and every magnitude and importance.

Fail.

Fail.

Utter epic FAIL.


ETA1: The book is right there The email is right the fuck there. The bloody shower is right across the hall. And yet I can't even empty my schoolbag or fold my shirts.

Unfortunately, this situation not new.

ETA2: Compulsively refreshing the email inbox only leads to tears. *sigh* I don't even have confirmation on tea tomorrow with Elisa. Gods, I really do have no accessible friends, do I? This sucks. *finally off to shower and bed*

ETA3: Also, it's depressing how much I was looking forward to seeing my family on Christmas today. (Worse that I know I'm going to be disappointed. So, so much.) I've never really done the whole give thing whole hog before, and just thinking of things that might make them happy... (I bloody well missed my dad last week. My dad. He doesn't ever enter my thoughts ever.) Because we're not, you know: happy individuals or a happy family. I wonder if we ever were, and I suppose we were (or they were) because sometimes - rarely - dad'll look at mom like he loves her but it still feels wrong to me because this isn't normal and I can't imagine my mom in love with my dad and thinking back to that meme fallen_iceangel did, I think for one trip with the Doctor I'd ask to go to a time when my parents were a bloody couple. And I keep thinking about what Lander told me, that all of his chidlren-of-diplomats friends are round the bend, or just drifting, and for fuck's sake I keep on having to choke back tears in fucking class and I know I'm totally fucking things over by not actually doing anything and oh gods I know there's folk out there with real actual worries and woes and it's not like this is a bloody pity-party, oh look my incapacitating woes are bigger than yours - because they're totally fucking not - I'm just..I don't know...incapable. That's it. Incapable. Of anything right now. Just, cannot do shit. Won't do shit. Don't much care about shit and just am too fucking scared and I think - I know - I've totally messed up on the path and I don't want to do what I'm doing and I just want to fucking go home. Which is ironic, due to the whole, 'no such thing' situation. I miss my univ. friends. So so much. So much. I miss who I was back then, in undergrad. Three years out of that system and I'm so lost. And I know I should be making friends but I'm trying and it's so emabrassing, how enthusiastic I am and ready with the jokes and being open and friendly and social (me! Social! WTF?) and I know I'm overdoing it and... I used to be so - not friendly, what's the English word... Where you demonstrate affection? Affectionate. I used to be overwhelmingly affectionate as child to my close-family. Not with other people, which is why I'm so awkward when it comes to casual social touching (which I so bloody wish I wasn't) but on the other hand I would so run up to anyone who'd offer me a hug. Anytime. Any day of the week. I miss being affectionate and I miss people being so to me and one hug last month by a near stranger ain't gonna cut it for the total of social physical interaction.

*deep breath* Oh gods. I - *sigh* I'm not going to tell you not to read the cut because I could just delete right now and I won't, because sometimes these things need to be written down and I don't much care right now about where it is. But, well, it's not a good mment right now so things are exagerated, maybe, and a bit all over the place. I can't say I'm happy about where I am right now but I can't say I'm not, and intellecutally I know what I'm doing - if I get around to it - is worthwhile. Just, well, blanket-warning for whatever you may find behind the cut, 'kay?

In sum, really, I need a hug liek woah.

ETA4: Tea confirmed. Life not so suckety. Me shower now. Probably'll wake up at 3 am with cramps from hell. Slept like shit yesterday - no more black tea! - and dreampt black cats were out in the hallway**. Two were evil, but one was nice - turned out to be Elisa's roomate's cat - so it got to be in my room. Then a kitten appeared on my bed. I love my random-cat-owning dreams. Yeah, pretty emotionally drained now. Obvious much? (Oh, and Karma-bank? I'm cashing in my IOU Wednesday night. Just so you know, I expect to see Syalr back - or better yet, slam - Mohinder into the wall. That is the only thing I will accept as compensation right now.)


* Anon. or uncredited.
** First dream featuring this apartment. Coo'.

Comments

[lienne.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know the feeling.

I'd totally go out for tea with you if I weren't, y'know, on the wrong damn continent.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*massive hugs* It really is a damn shame.

Please ignore the ETA, yes?

[lienne.livejournal.com]

I'd be doing you a disservice if I totally ignored the part about Sy slamming Mo into a wall. ;)

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

I'm avoiding spoilers like the plague, but you will report Mylar-moments of a general nature, yes? You've got, what - *eyes clock* *does abysmal math* - 3 or 4 hours till the show airs?

[lienne.livejournal.com]

It's 6:30 now and it airs at nine.

I might miss some, though, because I have new boots and will be slower than usual walking back from class, which ends at... nine. Yeah. My timing sucks, I know. I always miss the first ten minutes.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

You speak as if the show would just start off with Mylar, and a whole 10 minutes of it too. You disapoint me, little grasshopper, in your non-wiley TV ways.

I'm not really holding out for a very long Mo vs Sy scene. You'll noticed I asked for a single "back to the wall" moment, which takes 0.5 seconds... Angsty snarling converstations where Mo's confused - as ever - and Sylar's hot (permanent conditions, alas) are absolutely necessary for the plot, though, so the writer's better deliver.

New boots are shiny!

[lienne.livejournal.com]

But painful!

It probably won't start off with ten minutes of Mylar, no, but if there's a back-to-the-wall moment it's possible that it will happen in the first ten minutes.

Also, I'm starting to think of Sylar as the hero of his little arc, and subconsciously expect for him to ultimately win his confrontation with Mo. Clearly BTO is taking over my brain. XD

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

As if Sylar could lose. Pshaw. I find you lack of faith in the psychotic serial killer disturbing.

Is it ok to moarn the loss of the black wifebeater? :(

[lienne.livejournal.com]

YES. *mourns*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

PS: Do you want anything from ol' Dutchland? Seriously. Wll, not like pot or a boat or stuff like that, but, well... *shrug*

[lienne.livejournal.com]

*giggle* I have no particular desire for either pot or boats, trust me.

I'm also one of those people who, upon being asked what kind of gifts I want, immediately think of all the things I want to give other people. >_> So... your generosity is wholly appreciated, but I have no idea. :D

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

I'm sending my friends some typical typical porcelain mini clogs (http://www.dargate.com/247_auction/247_images/89.jpg) (also avaibale in wooden (http://images.goantiques.com/thumbnails/AIS7238/AIS723879_673.jpg) (and as a keychain). That's my default "Hey! Dutch! Small!" gift. So, y'like, y'want, y'get.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

...n'aww, CUTEST EVER.

I am so very tempted by the idea of a wee wooden clog on a keychain.

I've also never handed out my address on the Internet for the purposes of having people send me things.

Lemme think about this! For the record, you're awesome. XD And I'd send you something appropriately Canadian in return, but I'm lame and don't know what.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

...duuude. I'm going to Canada (Toronto) for Xmas. I've lived in Canada. Canada holds no secrets to me! (Well, ok, some.)

I'll accept a new chap of BtO before the end of the year in trade. Because I'm cheap and you're awesome.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

YOU'RE awesome.

And ha, I live in Toronto and I'm going to England for Xmas.

I demand that if your time in my city overlaps with the time before I leave, we meet up and you give me a clog keychain and I'll give you... mwahahaha, BTO on actual paper! :D Present enough for you? If that doesn't work I'll accompany it with maple-related candy of some kind.

When're you hoppin' over here? I leave for England on the evening of the 25th and come back on the 2nd.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*dances like woah* I'll be landing Dec. 21! (!!!!!) I acquiesce to your demands XD *squished you* *squishsquish*

[lienne.livejournal.com]

*salutes* Awesome. We'll have to plan. How well do you know the Toronto area? If I start suggesting coffee shops and/or malls (*cough* Eaton's Centre *cough*) as meeting places, will you just look at me funny?

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

It's been a while since I've been in TO, but my parents live there, soif I don't know where something is, they will. (Ha! Eaton Centre! How I've missed it.)

For planning, you can email me at juggled_geese@yahoo.com.

It's almost 1 am here, so I'm off to bed now. Really would love to meet though :D

omg got the Tim Hortons craving bad

[lienne.livejournal.com]

Okay, having read the giant ETA under the cut now--

*hugs!*

And I promise you actual ones when we see each other. :) I'm full of hugs. I am a reservoir of tactile affection.

[blizzardcake.livejournal.com]

*HUGGS*

Sometimes the only thing that make things feel a little better is indeed a hug.

*hugs again*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*hugs back hard* <3