Imaginary Gardens

I’ve just finished reading Mil Millington’s Love and Other Near-Death Experiences. The summary says:

Rob Garland is getting married in two months. Oddly, however, this is the least of his problems. More vexing that the seating arrangements and the choice of stationary is the fact that Rob should be dead: and he knows it. He should have been sitting ina pub at the very moment it was wipe from the earth – but he wasn’t, thanks to a series of pointless coincidences.

Now he’s paralysed by the knowledge that every decision he makes, no matter how tiny, potentially has enormous consequences. Faced with an ultimatum from his girlfriend, he pours his heart out to listeners of his late-night jazz show. It’s a decision he may live to regret…”

Regarding MMillington: he’s the creator of “the cult website” Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About (also a novel), co-founder of The Weekley”, and author or A Certain Chemistry. He was named by The Guardian as one of the top five debut* novelists for 2002.

It’s hilarious. The back-cover says “one of those reads that leaves you looking like an annoying mad person on the bus as you chuckle every five seconds…” They’re only wrong on one fact: metro, not bus.

Also, man’s British, which means I get to read words like “bugger” (in the literal sense), “taking a piss” (in the non-literal, you’re-purposely-annoying-me way), “fags” (in the smokable sense), and “fuckwit” (in the perfect-insult sense).

Let me share some of my favourite bits so far (hopefully decently spoiler-free, but no promises):( Warning: some quotes indecently long )

The lesson:

"When you do all that fixating on what microscopic decision could lead to your death, you have it wrong. The fact is, all those minuscule, mundane decisions actually lead to your life. You take hold of life, moment to moment, by making those choices: and every time yuo choose, yo win - because you choose to carry on. You decide to live life, instead of it living you. Not only that, but also the odds are against us every second of every day - there's simply such an unbelievable number of ways for disaster, hurt and deat to happen: and, in the end, death is going to get us anyway, that's certain. The correct way to look at it is to be amazed at each moment you beat the house: arrogantly, bloody-mindedly stick two fingers up at chance and whoop at your continued winning streak. Laugh at the fact that you're being so jammy as to pull it off - because it is incredible that you are: life is a succession of tiny miracles."


* I almost wrote “debutant”, which might have altered your image of Mil a bit. Given him a frilly dress and placed him in a ballroom, for one thing.
** Highly educational:

1) “If someone grabs you from behind, in a neck lock, then you stamp your heel down hard on the mid-section of their foot while simultaneously pulling their arm away – using the awkward twisting of their wrist joint to force them to yield.”
2) “Knife attack? Grab the person by the hand and elbow of the attacking arm, and push both inwards – the way muscles are arranged means that they have no real strength in that direction, so one can compel even an assailant who is physically much stronger than you to drop the weapon.”
3) “A face-on attack, of course, you meet with a sharp, upward blow using the heel of your palm – driving the attacker’s own nasal bone into his brain and killing him instantlt.”