bending_sickle | Everything is made up and the points don't matter*

i took half a chill pill last night to see if i could get some decent sleep, because i've been having 2-3 nightmares every goddamn night for like a week now and obviously sleeping like shit. (and before that, it's been pretty much on that same track.) i've been having so many more nightmares now. and my dreams on the meds are so...exhausting and logical and they make sense and if something looks like it's going to go wrong, it'll fix itself in a real world logical way. which pisses me off. i want my velociraptor zombie apocalypse dreams back. instead i get to wake up in tears because i missed my flight or my train or my class or i had to pack or i couldn't pack or i was moving house or i couldn't move house. (transportation, education, and moving. these are my nightmares. all the goddamn fucking time and i just can't take it anymore. all my issues being shoved in my face like that. fff.) so anyway. chill pill did the trick and i slept better.

except today i've been one continuous star wars "i've got a bad feeling about this" quiet mess. which is exciting. like, i'm a step away from falling into a pit of emotion. bad emotion. and instead i teeter here in the slightly numb vacuum. but i could have a cry if i wanted to.

h'anyway. nothing much happened today aside from aforementioned anxious black cloud of fuckery. pilates was had, no social events were done, parental dirt was thrown on me thrice.

oh, and mom cut the water. because our water counter is being stupid and there might be a leak or there might not. anyway, we're haemorrhaging water somewhere or we're being duped. either way. water's off for the night.

and tomorrow i have a psychologist appointment. i had one last week. i cannot express how much i do not want to go. (and i don't even get to drive there - it's in the next town over, as is practically everything - because mom's scared of taking the car out of the garage and up the ramp and good luck me trying that, although i really out to drive more and practice so i don't end up like last time with two left feet and no memory of how to start the car. but i digress.) last week, aside from commenting that i dole out my issues with eyedrops - or whatever metaphor is more appropriate - so he has to slowly work with what little i give him (which bro. bro. tell me what you want to know. what do you need to know?! because he's all "there's totally more to this, isn't there" like yes but???) the psychologist went on about how i need to seriously consider whether i actually want to move out. (and of course he turned it into a "abandon your mother to her own devices" angle which...i see where you're going but no. i'm just scared as fuck of everything that needs to be done to actually make an independent life, and i don't think i can get my shit together enough to do it, and i don't see the point and would like to stop existing now, thank you very much.)

anyway, hemmingway. it was stressful and it's going to be more stressful and i don't even know, bro. i'm trying to get my shit together one bit at a time but. these damned bursts of accomplishments just die soppy little deaths too quickly and i can't get them back and imma stop now with this post.

i should read. or listen to a podcast. or.

*mopes*

* tagline, Whose Line is it Anyway?