When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.'*

[bending_sickle]

h'okay.

tomorrow morning i've got the neurologist appointment and since it's in the ass-end of the city (like, go to the end of the metro line and then take a bus), it'll be an early morning. and since it's at 10 a.m. and resonance stuff is going to be happening, it'll also be a long morning.

so yay.

this is how i feel about things at the moment:

meaning i am quietly and constantly freaking out

and my brain keeps throwing you're going bliiiiiind thoughts at me, with a dose of braaain tumors can do this toooooooooo which is just about as fun as you can imagine because i'm basically just going

and it's stupid because - well, it's just alarmist shit, is what it is.

it could be anything, it could be nothing (well, okay, it's not nothing because something's happened but it could not be happening any more than it is already, if that makes sense). so no reason to worry.

also the idea of the actual i don't even know what they're going to do to me tomorrow is freaking me out a bit.

and then i also worry 'cause the folks are going to be on holiday for like a month which means if shit really goes down i'll be on my lonesome and fuckety fuck fuck

also FUCKING KIWILAND anxiety is always there especially since goddamnit professor person talk to me (not that i've checked my email today...or will do so tomorrow because ahaha dying)

so basically i give up on being a human being tomorrow for most of the day.

(i was going to make a more coherent actually-for-livejournal post but then my brain cells wouldn't rub up against each other and yeah. i'll write a thing sometime during the weekend.)


* Robert Lynn Asprin

Comments

[kalmialatifolia]

i have done this before. it's really scary. especially when you think, "yeah this could actually be brain cancer and i'm pretty sure THAT FUCKING KILLS YOU," and you go straight crazy and start crying hysterically at anyone who will listen. =( it is really, really scary. but it's not a big problem--it's far more likely that whatever happened to your eyes is correctable! you could've even just gotten an injury that can't be seen without CAT scan or MRI, and eye injuries can be fixed. and if it can't be fixed, then you will move on from there, day to day.

what they'll probably do is give you a basic neurological test: you walk from one end of the room to the other (heel-to-toe), you touch your finger to your nose or some other object, you push the heel of one foot up the shin of the other leg, and then some muscle strength tests: the doctor puts their hand on your leg or arm and tells you to push up. they might do some painless reflex tests like you'd get at a GP--tapping your knee, for instance. they'll shine a light in your eye. you may have an MRI done: these don't hurt and if you're scared of closed-in places, they have open MRI machines. they give you earplugs for them. if they have to study your brain with contrast dye, they'll give you an injection of it in your arm--this is just a shot, and the contrast dye has no effects whatsoever on how you feel. you may have blood drawn. a lot of questions will be asked and you'll have to fill out a lot of papers.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*cuddles you forever and ever because you are a wonderful person*

thank you so much <3 for both paragraphs because hold me (i'm trying really hard to go the "it's probably nothing" way of thinking right now but, yeah, hello listings of worst case scenarios) and also i feel a lot better now armed with a few ideas of what it might be like tomorrow. iirc my ophthalmologist scheduled an MRI (i think? i don't know, it was said in italian so i didn't really register what it was) with the neuro (he was all "yeah so something's going on with the optic nerve? check it out maybe?") so that's going to happen.

*more cuddling*

[kalmialatifolia]

the neurologist may also dilate your pupils, but probably not! an optic nerve problem is usually not a big deal, and scary words like 'neurologist' and 'MRI' are just names for tools to help you fix a problem. whatever is wrong is already wrong, whether it's a big thing or a little thing. the diagnosis and the means of acquiring that diagnosis don't affect that. ♥

[capn-mactastic.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you*

FWIW, if you go into the MRI and they tell you to keep your eyes shut I'd double-check whether that's for the imaging, or whether it's a well meaning person thinking it'll make things easier in a 'one size fits all' kinda way - every time I get told "shut your eyes, you'll feel less claustrophobic" whereas keeping my eyes shut is what makes me panic; at least if you know it doesn't matter then you can just go with what works for you.

Also sometimes the dye stuff is cold - I'm just letting you know because I nearly went through the fucking roof the first time.

*snuggles you some more*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

♥

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*smiggles snuggles and cuddles*

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

See, there's lots of horrible potential to this, sure. But you need to embrace all the awesome potential instead. This could be your eyeball taking its next evolutionary step to mutant superpowers, whereby you can project Cosmic Rays or Force Blasts or Waves Of Darkness from your eye at will. This could also be the nanotech implants finally reaching critical mass and beginning their hyper-improvement of your senses, giving you full-spectrum vision, targeting reticles, electromagnetic analysis, full videographic memory storage for everything you ever see, and of course, Sight Beyond Sight, courtesy of the Thundercats. Then, when the doctor tells you it's just some puny infection that he'll clear up with a few eyedrops and some pills, you'll be disappointed, but you won't be all OMGWTFTUMORDEADZORZ.

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*wails* But I don't want to be a mutant! All that spandex!

(By which I mean *cuddles*)

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

All that spandex! All that tight, clingy, cuddly, form-fitting, unwholesomely revealing spaaaaaauuuuummmmmm... Yeah, so maybe mutant transformation isn't the best option. Stick with the nano-tech.

*nanocuddles*

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Nanocuddles end horribly (http://api.ning.com/files/RxaMpC7xpae3qzajpM8VWqg8jjr4lqMKz3yMGPdQkc6m3xuPMVWoUfdHA5Oy-NuOgOlnelTsyAA*J-zm9cfoCeGz70rEU3zY/prey.jpg), though. Unless they're from the inside (http://deskofbrian.com/wp-content/uploads/fantastic_voyage.jpg). *cuddles your ventricles*

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Awww, you went straight to my heart. Your sweet ventricuddles will not be forgotten. Just make sure you get that submarine out in time. And not through the eyeball either.

Hmm, now that I mention that, maybe that's the problem with your eye. There's a miniaturized submarine that's slowly enlarging and trying to escape through your retina. Cheeky microsub!

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*refrains from making a joke about seamen in my eye*

er...

*barely refrains*

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I don't know how I didn't see that one coming.

hurr hurr, coming

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

*snorfle*