Do I look okay?!*

[bending_sickle]

Movie review: I watched The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (HOLD ME):

incoherent flails in an attempted order below

i did not expect to giggle that hard during the movie and it was awesome

i totally need to watch this in 3D tho (eta: i watched it and it was gorgeous - beeeees coming at meeeeee - and the italian dubbing was actually really good - smaug included - and only did a disservice to dwalin whose voice seriously needed a lower register.)

i don’t know how i feel about the movie shaving time everywhere like we don’t feel they spent weeks in mirkwood, or in the elven dungeons, or with the laketown folk. i mean cool, okay, they spend one night everywhere and that’s fine, but it just feels like the movie is just going BEAR! SPIDERS! EEEELVES! BARRELS! FISH! DRAGOOOOON! i know richard was all “we start the movie running and it just picks up speed from there” but i think there’s moments missing where we can breathe? like it’s a long movie but it still felt rushed? i hope the EE adds to the scenes to give them some room.

young thorin tho 8)

(i say baby thorin but seriously this was just like 12 months before we first meet him in The Hobbit: AUJ, or even less because gods know how long they’ve been on the road, but still baby. the weight of the quest has done a number on him)

NO BUT BABY THORIN IN BREE HAVING HIS TINY LITTLE BREAD AND EGGS ALL ALONE AND SAD HOW PRESH WAS THAT BABY WEE DWARF

seschat says “[thorin in bree] was soooooo sad and so relieved when gandalf joined him ‘cause he didn’t want to fight DID YOU NOTICE HIS LITTLE SIGH OF RELIEF” and I CRY

also how upset was thorin that gandalf wasn’t some nice stranger just keeping him company in bree (“this isn’t some ~chance~ meeting”) but actually someone who wanted something from him

thorin’s patented “ew i touched it” when gandalf is all “i found message thingy…it’s in blackspeech” heh

gandalf is responsible for thrain going off to reclaim erebor and getting lost and/or dead instead and now thorin like do you think this is a game?! dwarves are not pawns, gandalf! stop nudging them into almost-certain death quests

OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING WITH THRAIN AREN’T THEY??? rumours of him being alive and him being mentioned in both movies oh my god thorin i need to preemptively hold you

seschat says “i should probably just stop saying “did you notice thing about thorin” because of course you did lmao :D :D” which 100% true OF COURSE I DID I ALSO CRIED ABOUT IT

seschat says “oh man oh man HOW AWESOME WERE THE SPIDERS 8)” which yes but NEEDED MORE SPIDERS THO

tauriel ilu <333

seschat says “DID YOU CACKLE AT THE GIMLI MENTION” which I COULDN’T BREATHE OH MY GOD “THIS HIDEOUS BEAST” I DOUBLED UP IN PAINFUL SILENT LAUGHTER

needs more fili needs more fili needs more (guess who?) fili

fili had so many knives he is no longer a lion he is a prickly little hedgehog and i couldn’t stop laughing

i was laughing too hard when fili was being searched and relieved of his many, many weapons and tbh i saw it more as a “go on. try to find them all.” thing whereas sescaht says “also did you notice how kingly fili behaved tho. like when the mirkwood guards searched them and took their weapons everyone was like *GRR* but fili was like *kingly face* if you must”

…i was expecting more from the thrandy vs. thorin scene tbh

also forever upset that thorin didn’t say (three times!) that they were starving.

i cackled so hard at thrandy’s weird neck craning to stare at thorin in the face without actually bending down

more khuzdul all the khuzdul

ALSO THRANDY GO FUCK OFF BECAUSE THORIN CONFIRMED SOMETHING ABOUT YOU WHICH WAS THE WHOLE “OH HAI LETTING A WHOLE PEOPLE WANDER AROUND WITHOUT MEDICAL AID OR SHELTER OR FOOD BECAUSE FUCK YOU DWARVES” I MEAN I GET THE “LOL NO BAI NOT FIGHTING A DRAGON” BUT Y O U FUCKING L E F T THEM TO FUCKING D I E IN A DITCH

also when thrandy was all imma help and thorin went “i’m listening” my jaw dropped i was like what the what thorin omg you’re keepinG A COOL HEAD WHAT? (ahahahno tho)

also ngh thorin’s face and voice at that bit i jsdlfskdf

seschat says “omg that bit where thrandy showed his “real” face LIKE LITERALLY […] like when he was all up in thorin’s face and “I HAVE SEEN THE FIRE” or whatwasit and then the illusion from his face fell off idk and his face was all mangled” which SCREAMS yes oh gods ah no stop no

balin’s face with thorin was all i told thranduil to go fuck himself all *facepalm* thorin we gon’ die here

thorin sometimes you need to be slapped with a fish

but then i was all OH DARLING HEART when thorin was all “not our only chance [of getting out of here] because FAITH IN BILBO oh so presh look at that character development (that will take a nosedive)

kili telling us a bit of what he did as a livelihood *chinhands*

kili’s remembrall stone tho DIS FEELS YOU DIDN’T JUST OH MY GOD THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE I WAS NOT READY I AM NOT OKAY

i’m so happy we got a mention of dis tho SO HAPPY

personal and cultural difference of opinions on starlight HOLD ME

how adorable were kili and tauriel tho

seschat says “okay first, KILI IS SO NICE like he is just such a nice person WHICH FITS PERFECTLY WITH ALL OUR HEADCANONS EVER because yeah he may have that destructive puppy force a bit but when he gets serious he says the NICEST MOST THOUGHTFUL THINGS EVER and that’s how i feel” and i just weep because yes

WHEN KILI WAS ALL OMG I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAS A JOKE COME BACK IT’S JUST A ROCK i cried i cried foreverr

seschat says “and in that scene where tauriel (HEARTS) and kili talked in the dungeons about dis and everything, i kept expecting a reaction shot of fili in his little cell, listening to kili talk” which fili or thorin reaction shot pls anyone but legolas

(also love triangle *SPITS*)

DID YOU SEE LEGOLAS SORTA SKATEBOARD AGAIN OVER ORCS OR STONE STAIRS OR SOMETHING THO 8)

JESUS FUCK THO FILI’S FACE WHEN HE HEARD KILI GET HIT I WAS NOT OKAY

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THORIN’S REACTION SHOTS OF KILI PAIN I WILL NEVER BE OKAY

seschat says “i sort of had another “thorin, you’re being a shit dad again” moment when fili was like KILI NEEDS HELP and thorin all “fine you got two minutes”” and OMFG IF HE HADN’T SAID THOSE TWO MINUTES I WOULDN’VE CRAWLED INTO THE SCREEN AND SHAVED HIS BEARD RIGHT OFF because before he was like “no we cant stop not even for a second” and then he was like okAY FINE just keep kili’s leg from falling off sheesh

seschat says “but it’s totally something thorin would do, pretend he doesn’t notice that kili is having a hard time so kili can be all I AM WORTHY or some crap like that UGH FUCKING DURINS” which I WILL STILL HURT YOU, THORIN, THEN BE ALL “WHAT YOU’RE NOT HURT JUST WALK IT OFF YOU’RE FIIIIIIIIINE”

i missed azog which i did not expect to happen

gandalf was being very legolas-like in his randomnly and conveniently stating obvious facts like “this is this place” which okay thanks gandalf

seschat says “i sort of thought the gandalf scenes were redundant…a little bit…idk” and yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah i tuned off a bit at those until azog said hi imma cut you :/ (omg i’m so sorry gandalf I AM SO SORRY)

BOMBUR KICKING ASS IN A BARREL THAT WAS THE BEST EVER

bard was exceptionally pleasing to my eyes

ALSO BARD I LOVE YOU HI

i love the laketown theme music so much. like SO MUCH you have no idea.

wormtongue 2.0 needs to be smacked

it has been confirmed that thorin is the fucking rudest guest tho like did you see him with bard jesus fuck thorin you are no longer allowed to crash at my place in the event of universes sandwiching

seschat says “also i loved how balin was all “thorin we should take this and go” and thorin all NO THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH” which GRABS THORIN BY THE SHOULDERS AND SHAKES THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

seschat says “omg tho that scene where he stops kili and is like “will you be all right?” and kili all “yeah, yeah, sure-” *falls down stairs*” which DON’T LOOK AT ME

uncool of you, bard, to cover up the faces and names of thorin’s two siblings on the tapestry family tree

thorin’s face when he learned that bard was a descendent of the men of dale and especially the dude who tried to kill smaug

also tho i so cringed with secondhand embarrassment when thorin was all WE CAN GIVE YOU GOLD TO BUILD YOUR CITY TWICE OVER (aaaaafter everyone’s died and it’s been burned to the ground because i mean DRAGON but shhh nobody mention how the gold is going to line gravediggers’ pockets shhh)

although thorin being all no stay rest and all comforting hand to kili i am cry

thorin puling the a king has to make hard choices card on fili tho like ahahahaha i knew he’d say that but IMMA CUT YOU anyway

THORIN ALL “WHEN YOU ARE KING YOU’LL UNDERSTAND” AND I JUST THORIN I LOVE YOU BUT I WILL HURT YOU FOR PULLING THAT “WHEN YOU’RE OLDER” SHIT

"my place is with my brother" I AM NOT OKAY

sescaht says “i loved how [fili] stood up to thorin tho” but i wish it’d been a bit of a stronger moment tho? like i know (“know”) for fili it’d be like NO QUESTION between duty and sibling but i…i dunno i just wish it’d been a bit of a longer scene or heavier or just had a moment more of a reaction???

i giggled so hard at the white angelic aura around tauriel that kili saw when he was all grace under pressure, cooling palm across my brow, eyes of an angel, lay me down, (we still believe in love so fuck you)

KILI AND TAURIEL HAND-HOLDING THO

"do you think she could have loved me" no stop doN’T GIVE ME THESE FEELS

kili feels all up in here they are shooting the puppy and puppy be in love like wow thanks here have all the feels

how adorable was bofur tho looking for the plant to save kili

ALSO TAURIEL LET ME LOVE YOU

i had a split second where i felt the legolas fight scene in laketown went on a bit too long but eh

seschat says “i laughed so hard at how angry [legolas] got YOU GAVE ME A NOSEBLEED YOU FUCKER!!!”

seschat says “i think the fact that bolg just turned away like “eh no worthy adversary” pissed him the fuck off”

…wait wAIT WAIT IS THAT AZOG’S BABU? OH MY GOD THAT WAS AZOG’S SON OH MY GOD OH MY GOOOOD

seschat says “also EVERY FUCKING TIME i cackled so hard when thorin tried to do DIRECTIONS” which yes directionally-challenged thorin is the best thorin and when he was holding the map all “it has to be here somewhere” i just oh babu

also i continue to sob in a corner for biology because of thrushes flying around and foraging after sunset like no you little shit go home and sleep what fucking enchantment are you on that you don’t fucking die and keep coming to knock fucking snails at the same tiny rock like what did the snails ever do to you

seschat says “and dwalin SO FUCKING LOYAL TO HIS KING just screw everything he doesn’t CARE what shitty decision thorin is making, dwalin will stand at his back at see it done” and I’M NOT OKAY

dear richard fuck yooooooooooooooou and your actiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

OH MY GOD WHEN THORIN WAS ALL “…BUT BUT BUT THE DOOR SHOULD BE HERE WHAT DID WE DO WRONG” OH MY GOD HE WAS SUCH A TINY LITTLE SAD BABY CHILD I CAN’T I JUST NEEDED TO HOLD HIM

also ALSO i am angry at thorin (what else is new BABU I’M SORRY) because of how he gave up and was all oh noes our only chance at finding the hidden door and i’m just like your only chance THIS YEAR there will be ANOTHER durin’s day NEXT YEAR thorin oakenfuckingshield don’t you throw that key away or so help me god

also omg FEELS when balin was all BUT GOLDSICKNESS and thorin was all I ARE NOT MY GRANDPAPA (LIKE FUCK THORIN YOU TOTALLY ARE SCARED THAT YOU FUCKING ARRE) and balin was all “this isn’t you” and seschat says “thorin’s face when balin said that, his fears just echoed back at him UGH”

AND THEN WE GET THORIN’S MAJESTIC PROFILE SET AGAINST HIS GRANDPA’S MAJESTIC (ROCK) PROFILE LIKE THANK YOU MOVIE I GET IT ALSO TOO MUCH MAJESTY FOR ONE SHOT OMG HELP

the way thorin clung to the wall all i know these walls i just LET ME HOLD YOU BABU /o/

…obviously all i ever want to do is either hug thorin or scream at him because he’s being such an idiot (knowing he was stuck in a barrel under a pile of fish certainly helps)

smaug continues to have an angler fish face but only from certain angles from other angles it was like what the fuck is happening to your lips and in other angles it was like DIRECT FROM THE CARTOON MOVIE COMPLETE WITH WEIRD CATLIKE ECHOES which yes good my childhood embraces this and also i loved how long necked and tailed he was like chinese dragons and so i forgive the angler fishness (because dude look x, x, x, x my brain insists smaug has a little something-something like them but idk what but side-view smaug was weird as fuck is all i’m saying)

seschat says “because i thought he [smaug] was brilliant :>” and HE WAS THO OMG

the parallels of “his name is bard” and “his name is bilbo” and also “for the sake of one dwarf” and “for the sake of one burglar” and also the shots of feet stopping precious things from falling off into nothingness

OH MY GOD THORIN ASKING BILBO FOR THE ARKENSTONE I CRIED NO BABU NO FIGHT THE GOLDLUST FIIIIIIIGHT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

also i continue to rage at the whole LACK OF PLAN VIS: DRAGON like they get there are thorin’s like oh yeah hey maybe we should kill it hey let’s improvise a plan and i’m just like YOU HAD A YEAR TO THINK ABOUT THIS YOU LITTLE SHIT

smaug all i am the king under the mountain! and thorin all you shall have a golden crown that men shall tremble to behold but thorin, honey, fire cannot kill the dragon

I CACKLED SO HARD AT HOW THORIN WAS LIKE OMG OMGOMGSTODROPANDROLL then just *shrugs burning coat off nonchalantly* let’s go like dude YOU WERE ON FIRE i was having war flashbacks to denethor or whatever his name was

oh oh also moses!thorin THANK GOD HIS CLOTHES CAUGHT ON FIRE THEY WERE HIDEOUS

also THORIN STANDING ON SMAUG’S MOUTH LIKE A BOSS OH MY GOD YOU BADASS MOTHERLOVER

seschat says “also thorin floating on a river of liquid gold :/” and I CALLED BULLSHIT SO HARD LIKE HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU EVEN BREATH FFS

ALSO I WAS ANGRY WITH THE CONVENIENTLY HOLLOW STATUE MOLD THING AND LIKE YEAH MY FUCKING ASS THE GOLD WOULD STAY ALL LIQUID AND EXPLODE AFTER A CONVENIENT FIVE SECONDS ALSO THORIN GODDAMNIT FIRE CANNOT KILL THE DRAGON

also i fucking loved the silence and echoes and emptiness of the hall that bilbo ran into before smaug broke in. it really drove home how the kingdom had been a great thing and now it’s gone.

seschat says “WELL FIRST OFF CAN I JUST SAY THAT SCREW YOU PETER JACKSON AND SCREW YOU AND YOUR CLIFFHANGER” and YES SO MUCH YES

imma die next year i cant

* Common expression

Comments

[lienne.livejournal.com]

idk i totally liked the whole gold thing XD i think the idea was that the statue had already been cast or partly cast, and all they did was pour more molten gold in, so it held together for a short time while the existing metal was getting hot and then it went blorp

it might not have worked, but it was probably still the best thing he could've come up with given available resources, and it was fun to watch XD

also i think the original plan was "hope like fuck the dragon doesn't wake up while you grab the arkenstone and run, then come back with a large army"

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

idk i totally liked the whole gold thing XD - oh it totally looked cool i'll give them that but i don't think the statue was partially cast unless smaug showed up just as they were casting it back when, because otherwise you'd get horrible icky faults in the metal...or something. bad things would happen. but then thorin sled down a river of gold (which melts at 937454 degrees and therefore that wheelbarrow would burn his hands right off) so obviously science wasn't consulted for this movie.

it was probably still the best thing he could've come up with given available resources, and it was fun to watch XD - *nod nod* it was a surprisingly intricate plan (as in, lots of moving bits) to come up with on the spot, so kudos to thorin. i would've gone for "can we catapult anything sharp into smaug's eye?" but i would've also been screaming and crying and dying so what do i know.

also i think the original plan was "hope like fuck the dragon doesn't wake up while you grab the arkenstone and run, then come back with a large army" - yes but PLAN B, THORIN! WHY YOU NO HAVE PLAN B?!

ps: ilu /o/