bending_sickle | Things happen and they continue to happen* (Reply)

so yeah hi i'm not dead? even though i seem to have not written here since like mid-july holy crap? and now i can't seem to remember how to write an entry? and question marks are happening?

so how's about i just copy-pasta my flails from tumblr to give y'all an idea of what's been happening?

guys guYS GUYS

i’ve sent out a prospective email thingy to an ngo in kiwiland

i did the thing

i’m sobbing and utterly dejected and why do i even try i am going to die in a ditch come the spring pessimistic but I DID THE THING

and now i’m going to do more thing

i’ve sent out eight prospective application emails yay?

okay so i’ve signed up for some “yes pls i’m interested” thing and applied to two jobs

so in total that’s eleven Things Done

i’m so tired i could cry and so stressed i think i fucked up a neck muscle when i pulled my hair.

holy crap i’d forgotten about the 10 hours difference with kiwiland which means that right now people are reading my emails and some have even replied and one started their email with kia ora and that is adorably awesome and the other actually gave a good suggestion while saying “yeah sorry we can’t help” so bless you kiwis because i’d started getting all wibbly and what will become of me so omg people are replying i am so happy i love everyone in this bar

they always tell you not to worry if you choose the wrong subject or go down an academic road you later regret but the truth is every choice narrows your shit down so if you want to go up a rung they keep whisking away the ladders
so you’re sitting there going whelp i could do a phd in this thing because it’s the only thing i know how to do or i could go back to the ground and start all over again like hi bachelors or masters if they’ll even take me but like what am i, made of money and time and i would like to start my life now plskthnx.
this whole “you can always switch” thing is a mystery to me because no i fucking can’t i can’t do this job or that job because i’m not qualified and i sure as hell won’t get experience if everyone wants five to ten years experience or a phd or five and no one is going to accept me for a research project that i obviously can’t do because papers say so.
just. every time i study i learn more about less. and now i’m sitting here going “i don’t really want to do a thing on this thing but…it’s the only thing i know how to do”
which is why i’m writing an email to a professor in which i try to say how i really want to do a phd in his area and yeah.
honestly i might just go fuck it and say “yes hi i just need something to do so i can keep on living and maybe have a roof over me that’d be nice”
also last night i had a wibble-moment because i realized for the 234th time that i have nowhere to go. like nowhere. great big rock of a planet and i have no country i can fall back to. (well technically i do i mean have passports yo but i mean do not have a home and i am upset.)

#randomness #in which i have yet another existential crisis and cry over everything #i don't want to do a phd in ecology but IT'S LIKE PRACTICALLY ALL I CAN POSSIBLY MAYBE BE QUALIFIED TO DO #AND NOT EVEN THAT I MEAN I CAN'T EVEN ANYTHING #SOMEONE GIVE ME A FUCKING JOB IN A THING I PROMISE I CAN DO THE THING

writing emails to professors that look composed and professional but are really just me going please help me with my life

this will in no way be coherent

or very coherent because i’m trying very hard to pull myself together

but my mother is a horrible person

i was helping in the kitchen what with the cooking and everything and she has this thing where she is fucking incapable of starting and finishing a sentence without fifty tangents and half-hour pauses and ambiguous pronouns and it’s fucking hard to follow anything she’s saying

and this has nothing to do with how she started yelling at me or maybe it doesn’t i can’t remember and i can’t think about it

but she goes in on how well it’s so ~fucking hard~ to talk to me not that she fucking tries more like it’s hard to talk at me because maybe i don’t want a half-hour description on her walks

anyway so she says it’s so hard to talk to me and then she says how dad can’t stand the sight of me and how these ~holidays~ are over come end of august

end of august not this past monday not last september not this coming may like WHEN THE FUCK woman make up your goddamn mind

and holidays YES THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M HAVING HOLIDAYS being an unemployed piece of shit living with emotionally abusive parents is a fucking holiday i am fucking living the dream here it’s fantastic

and she goes on how all i do is watch tv and i’ve watched all the tv shows and that’s all i do ever all the time

and i just fucking lost it and i’m actually fucking hoarse right now because she has literally l i t t e r a l l y no idea what i do with my time and it certainly isn’t watching all the tv all the time OH HEY THIS WEEK I SENT OUT MORE EMAILS TO PEOPLE THAN I HAVE FINGERS AND TOES and i’ve been going to therapy for half this year and trying not to throw myself off the balcony and occasionally just losing it and pulling out my hair and apparently trying to claw and gnaw my own flesh off and i may be a useless piece of shit who can’t teach or care for children or whore herself out in the street (although mom’s all for that last because at least it’d get me out of the house) but i’m fucking multilingual and i’ve got higher education and i’ve written four novels and I AM NOT USELESS

so anyway i screamed at her to stop fucking telling lies and how she has no idea what i’m doing and TO STOP TELLING LIES and then YELLING AT ME ABOUT SAID LIES

so now i’m sobbing in my bedroom wiTH THE DOOR LOCKED BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN once my mom actually stormed into my bedroom with my dad in tow on a sunday morning and stood over me in bed shouting at me about how i was a lazy fuck what was i doing in bed and THAT IS NOT OKAY and another time i was on the balcony too scared to actually stand up and dad was yelling at pounding at the door which i’d locked because i’d snapped at him and he was all you suck you fucking open this door and how i have no fucking right to lock the door THEY HAVE NO RIGHT BURSTING IN AND YELLING AT ME SO FUCK THAT SHIT

so anyway yeah they’re having lunch without me like they do a lot of other times because good riddance they can’t stand the sight of me and i’m obviously having a grand time watching all the television on permanent vacation

and then i wonder why i don’t believe i can actually do things like getting a job or doing a phd or moving away to new zealand i mean i’m obviously not capable of doing anything and everyone hates me even my brother who gets an earful of the lies from mom and all he cares about is if i tick off the list of things he thinks i should be doing and if i complain about being yelled at he says it’s my fault and i keep blaming my circumstances on other people and i’m just being a selfish shit because can’t you see how mom is suffering

seriously it’s amazing i haven’t seriously and permanently hurt myself i mean there was that lump i got on my forehead from head-closeting so hard that lasted for like a week and that fucking huge-ass swollen bruise that lasted for weeks and weeks from biting my arm and my legs are a fucking embarrassment of scars or would be if i gave a shit

i should stop talking

anyway yeah so i try to get out of here and then this happens and then instead of trying to get out of here i’m reduced to trying to just stay the fuck alive and whole

shutting up now

eta: my mother’s response to my emotional shouty flail today and frankly any time i ever get fucking upset about shit is you’re crazy you’re hysterical you’re absolutely insane which yay

I GOT A POSITIVE REPLY FROM A PROFESSOR ABOUT MAYBE SEEING ABOUT DOING A PHD AND THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF TO DO AND MY BRAIN IS GOING “YOU WILL FAAAAAAAIIIIIIL” AND I’M ACTUALLY CRYING BUT OMFG LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL MAYBE??????

#I AM NOT SORRY FOR THE CAPSLOCK #SOMEBODY FUCKING HOLD ME

this ten hour difference thing with kiwiland is starting to be a problem in that i wanted to reply to an email (sent yesterday) today but i cannot put my words together in order anymore omg how word (i’ve been getting the email and attachments together all day) so that’s not going to happen so by the time i actually send it and the person is awake and can read it fucking squids could’ve evolved opposable thumbs (or just three days may’ve passed for that person whatev’s give me tree-climbing squids)

remember how i emailed a professor and was all please halp phd maybe? and they were all you’re cool, i like?

well they’re writing up project ideas and I MAY JUST BE CRYING

THIS IS A THING

A THING THAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD THO THIS IS WHAT HOPE FEELS LIKE I AM CRYING

so i’m going to write an email to the university asking them about english language requirements and a possible waiver because if i have to take another toefl so help me god and i am honestly shaking with anger right now and my draft email is currently just a list of linguistic definitions of a first language and of my education including my kindergarten because i fucking hate that stupid-ass rule of “if you didn’t go to school in an english-speaking country you need to take a toefl” because that doesn’t cover even half of the situations where you have an international student whose first language is english and i am so angry

arseofboe said:"it doesnt make fucking sense. Your english is better than mine"

bless your heart /o/

and no it makes no sense whatsoever and i just can’t stop facepalming violently

like seriously they’re telling international students that even if their education was in english it doesn’t count as proof of proficienty because it wasn’t done in an english-speaking country

so i just basically flailed at them all “but what does it take for you to consider a person as a first language English speaker” because if it comes down to “the person’s nationality” then i will hurt someone so hard

…and sorry for that rant i just can’t even

#randomness #I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS THOUGH

as of yesterday the status of things is as follows:

- professor asked for my transcripts and said he's writing up some possible projects and he'll get back to me eventually i guess?
- no word yet regarding the english requirement fuckery
- no further replies from jobs and stuff so that's a negative, but then i've stopped looking because omfg i might be doing a PhD what's happening???

* Common expression