bending_sickle | A glass cabinet of worthless crockery* (Reply)

Seeing how old the links are kinda tell syou how long it's been sing I last wrote an actual entry. My bad. I am, however, still not dead, so there's that.

I could tell y'all about how I spent the best time ever hanging out (and snuggling with)

seschat at her place in Germany (flights were involved! and trains!), how we watched The Hobbit the very day of my arrival (nevermind that the showing started at midnight), how we went to zoos and museums and walked along the Bodensee, how we barely survived Death By Fireworks during New Years (and how adorably charmed and confused her family was over my Spanish tradition of grapes**), how we spent days just cuddled up together on the couch, and how it was, as I've already said, the best time ever. But, well, I just did.

Also, I kinda want to talk about something else. Like, mental health things.

So I'm sure y'all know that I've been having a hard time ~~lately~~ since time immemorial, exacerbated these past years with the combination of chronic unemployment and moving back in with my parents. Neither of these are good, and neither of these have been good for me.

Now on to the gritty: almost a full year ago, my brother suggested, a bit abruptly, that I consider speaking to a therapist, or psychologist, or someone. I wailed and gnashed my teeth and pretended that everything was fine and would be fine if only I could get the fuck out of here and get a fucking job. Well, that's worked out great, as you can see from my Did Absolutely Fuck-All year of 2012.

I did look up English-language people here in Rome (because like fuck I'm going to express myself well enough in Italian, or hell, Spanish) back during that wonderful time of holy fuckballs people my mother is kicking me out of the house in a couple weeks WHAT DO WHAT DO but didn't do anything about that when it turned out that haha, just kidding.

This week, my brother's called three days in a row just to check up on me. (He's the kind who basically has it programmed into his phone to call every weekend even if it's to say, "I got nothing. You? 'Kay, laters.") And the last time he called, he again suggested I look into finding a person here to talk to, because it couldn't hurt, and I obviously aren't okay, and yeah. So I said I'd think about it because did we mention how not okay I am? So there's been a lot of avoiding thinking about it and a little thinking about it (or rather ennumerating all the reasons why I am Not Okay). And today he sent me a link to English-language people and I basically marked it as read and then went for a three-hour walk because aaaah.

But yeah. That's a thing. A thing that's going to happen. It should happen. I've only been meaning for it to happen since like during my fucking Bachelor's degree when I'd barely manage to drag myself out for food and then come back and drop everything at the door and lay down on the bed with my coat and boots and on cry for hours. (That was fun.) And then again when I was in Spain and had no idea what I was doing and alone and yeah. And then again in the Netherlands when everything was horrible. So that's a lot of years of not being okay.

But obviously I'm scared of doing this because New Experience and also Talking About Myself With a Stranger (and also, a tiny little bit of But What If There's Nothing Actually Wrong With Me and I'm Just a Fuck-up).

So yeah.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me now. (Oh, I might have looked at job adverts one day but it was terrible because I can do nothing in my field and I am going to die in a ditch. On the plus side, though, I've been up to my ears with squee over sexy dwarves from The Hobbit and writing a lot of headcannon with

seschat, so y'know.)

Right now I'm going to work on that List of Things That Are Wrong With Me (with an additional List of Things That Are Horrible In My Environment, namely Shit My Mother Does) because frankly most of the time I just hibernate and pretend everything's okay and then woops another month's gone by and did I ever actually do anything?

So.

Quotes of the Day:

greygirlbeast, here

Well, the good news is that yesterday is over, and that it only had to happen once. That's the only silver lining to shitty days; any given shitty day gets just that one chance.

Do not mistake that for optimism.

Links of the Day:
Other Fandom: