bending_sickle: (Shitty day)
[personal profile] bending_sickle
This is going to get messy. I haven't written a proper post in ages, and in fact have a draft up ready somewhere (okay, I know exactly where: it's with all the LotD). Most of that's been due to my spending every available moment either writing or recovering from writing, with dome dashes of actual work in between.

Like now, for example, I should be working. I'm actually at work, but I've run out of things to do, and trust me, I've tried looking under every rock for something that may need to be done yet. But since Ye Great Project has now been delivered to the printers, and Ye Minor Project can't go ahead without feedback (which I'm not getting) then I'm stuck.

So instead of working, I should be writing. Nanowrimo, the one thing I'm currently doing. And even that is going to shit because New Character's taken the reins and now there is no plot, only talking. I think if I hadn't introduced him I might have been able to keep a hold on things, kept it simpler, but... I like him. But now I don't know how to handle things.

So instead of wrestling with the novel, I should be, y'know, looking for a mother-lovin' job. Those things that apparently lead to independence and homes and money and good things.

Instead, I'm trying very, very hard to not break down again into a blubbering mess like I just did in the public bathrooms. So far, not working very well.

The reason behind the blubbering is multifold. There's my impending unemploymenthood - my internship is until the 12th December, and I have no idea what comes after that. So add to that then the layer of insecurity and failure and I should be looking for a fucking job mess. Although the idea of starting again looking for a job sends me down into a spiral of panic and depression, because it was just such fun the first time. So apart from talking to very helpful people about other helpful people I could talk to, I've done shite. Honestly, I've got names and organizations and email listings and everything. I just can't.

And of course my parents are back, which means I've got my mother hounding me (apart from the socks I wear and the jackets I don't throw out because they're stained and on why I choose to be in my room instead of the living room) on how time is running out and I have to do something, remember how long it took you to find something, anything after you graduated, how you were working on your thesis instead of looking for a job? (A thesis which, by the way, I now realize was a complete waste of space in that apart from beign read that one time so that I could get a grade so I could get a diploma which has done fuck-all for me, really, has been lying under some sorry stack unread and unused and useless and pointless and it might as well have been a dissertation on Muppet fur.) Because I finished my thesis in December of 2009 and graduated in January 2010 and only got a volunteer stint translating philosophical articles in June 2010 and only finally got a proper internship - not even a proper job - until June of 2011, which is a whole year and a half after finishing my fucking thesis. Six months later and here I am with nothing at all except the certainty that I'd really like to not go through this all again.

So here I am sitting in an empty office, without even a coworker anymore 'cause she's moved next-door, with nothing at all to do related to work (and the last few days I've had really nothing more than ten or twenty minutes of work followed by endless waiting for people to get back to me and rechecking whether there's nothing else I can do and that all makes one feel so, so useful). And I can't do anything but blubber.

One coworker had me in mind for another internship, in something in editing, which would be only until the proper position can be filled. And well, even if I could take it - which I can't, I'm 99% sure, because I can't do back-to-back internships here - I don't know. I mean, yays, job(ish). But on the other hand, it's another thing that's Just For Now and not related to my (useless piece-of-crap dead-end) studies and it's not going to go anywhere.

I don't know what I want. I know it's not this. I don't know what I can do, either. I just don't want to be here but the thought of packing a suitcase and wandering off to someplace that'll have me makes me break out into a panicky fit because I can only see the details of things that would need to be done and then I'd still be where I am - unemployed and alone and pointless.

And to top it all with a cherry, I won't get to see my brother this year because he can't leave the country he's in and my passport's gone and died so I need to go get it renewed in Country of Origin because of reasons. So I'm going to stay here for the holidays, I guess, and it's going to be horrible, again, and I'm going to be unemployed and with no impending emplyment and my mother's going to be nagging and shouting and telling me I'm wasting time and should damn well have a job and for fucks sake, she's already talking about planning around a contract I might get in January when there is no such thing nowhere near the horizon just because she thinks this is how things happen.

And so here I am doing nothing and with no future apart from gaping black holes of despair and living with my parents which is like shovelling deeper into the quagmire of despair and friendless and much too old for this shit and my brother's engaged and my cousin's having a baby with his girlfriend and my university friend's gone and become a proper adult and I'm impendingly unemployed with no proper actual job to my name. And I'm just watching them all go on by with lives and success and not-failing-at-life wondering why I'm stuck.

And now I'm crying too hard and too much of a mental mess to be able to handle a hello much less a hello, this is who I am, could we talk about job opportunities for me or even insert job search words here.

* Stars, "Calendar Girl"
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