Chicken one day, feathers the next.*

[bending_sickle]

I've decided that if I have to drag myself by the scruff of the neck and kick myself in the arse to get out the door and to Einstein, then maybe I don't actually want to go. And maybe I don't have to.

So, yeah, fuck that.

Instead, I'm going to take a stroll to the train station and Megastore. *shucks on coat* Because I should not be apprehensive over going outside, and if I stay in here any longer, that may just happen.

And I'm not joking around here. I honestly have, in the past, had moments where I stare at the door and a big matronly self says, "Self, you're going outside." And you know what? A little self petulantly replies, "Don't wanna," whilst sucking on a peppermint and dragging a stuffed leopard**. "There's goblins there."

Only with more hesitation and irrational fear. Like, hand-on-doorknob, "Do I really want to do this? No, no I don't, there's all sorts of nasties outside - oh god help me, I didn't just feel that way." sort of deal. Gah.

Aw, crap. Procrastinating. *eyes door*

Tomorrow, if I'm not on the train to Leiden to take the bus to Noordwijk and wander around on the beach and hunt down hot Welschboy from the Youth Hostel, I give myself up for a good Talking To.

*impersonates icon!bunny* And I have so many things to do...

ETA: Honestly, I'm finding it distressingly hard to get up and go. And tamade, thinking about how a fucking waste of time and life today - and a horrible number of other days - has been is not helping.

Sorry for the "Eee, craaaa-zy" post, folks. I'll be going now.

ETA2: 12 am: Two hours later, I'm back. No goblins, nasties, or pervs. Just american tourists.


* Anon. or uncredited
** Leo the leopard, because I thought English spelt phonetically once upon a time.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

good call on not going out if you really are just forcing yourself to go for the sake of it.

suggestions of this nature always sound trite, so i beg forgiveness in advance... but why not see if there are any english language writing groups in the area?

if you feel like you HAVE to leave the apartment to do SOMETHING and COMMUNICATE (and i totally understand the pros and cons of that, heavens knows i've holed up in my apartment for ages at times), at least make yourself do something you like (which isn't german. girl, you have had ENOUGH of proper-classes-as-recreation. i think you INVENTED it.)

or if you want to stick with the bar, try to snag one with darts and then become the dart champeen. :P

xxx
kit-kat

[bending-sickle.livejournal.com]

Gah! I know. Ye gods, my mom and brother both have been telling me I need to do something, take some fun lessons like arts and crafts or dancing or lord knows (or a job!).

I know this. It's the doing that's tough. *huggles*

[(Anonymous)]

i know doing it is tough. that's why i never joined up with anything when i needed to the most.

it just seems to me like you're making things a whole lot tougher for yourself by doing things you don't even WANT to do just so that you're doing SOMETHING.

but i know, i know, you've heard it all before. :P some day, you know, i'll post with ACTUAL helpful advice. i'm sure of it. my time will come.

xxx
kit