bending_sickle (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bending_sickle) wrote2008-06-16 01:16 am
bending_sickle) wrote2008-06-16 01:16 am
Entry tags:
These syllables won't bring you back*
My internship presentation (The African wild dog (Lycaon pictus) decline: The importance of pack size for its survival) is tomorrow at 11 am. I've been feeling a bit weird all day. This afternoon in particular, the most ridiculous things made me all miserable.
Like, I was thinking of a clay car that I made in 8th grade - garishly painted like some sort of clown fetish - that mom asked whether she could throw away. I haven't seen it since early January this year and yes, it's fugly, but somehow the thought of my not knowing whether it was thrown away or not broke me a bit.
Not because of the car itself, but because of This Thing That I Do, which is "if I don't see it, I don't think about it, and it doesn't exist". Which is usually a fine defense mechanism, seeing as most of my stuff is in another continent (if I'm lucky). Not thinking about these things means I don't miss them. Not thinking about things I no longer have makes it easy. In Spanish we have a saying, ojos que no ven, corazon que no siente, which is curiously the exact opposite of English's distance makes the heart grow fonder, being more similar to out of sight, out of mind, except instead of mind it's heart.
So the way I deal with loss is forgetting I ever had it. Which may explain why I honest to gods don't remember events in my life - be they trivial or major - unless I actually sit down and think about them. Ask me about my first year of university - a truly major year in my life - and my brain'll go to static for a few seconds, then, like a spastic TV, it'll run through a few favorite channels and then maybe, if you're lucky, you can stop the surfing and examine a scene. It's ironic, really: I have a good memory but shitty recall. This also explains why I often neglect my friends. It's not that I don't care - ye gods, you better know it's not that - but that I'm trying to cope with missing you all.
Anyway, before this entry got all introspective and Let's Make Sickle Cry, it was going to be about how it's a Really Bad Thing to think that you've lost your USB drive with the presentation on it. Thinking this just after thinking you've lost your hair clips, trusty little things that've followed you across oceans and years, makes for a somewhat cracked Sickle.
So cracked, in fact, that my current comfort daydream is me, with a cleaver, in a living room a week or so after the zombiepocalyse, with a 50-year old guy lying on the couch with a sprained ankle. This, folks, is what my head's coming up with to make me feel better.
A word about what I mean with comfort daydream. (Well, a word, but I have two pages on Word Document I'm too chicken to post.) I'm sure a lot of you daydream(ed), possibly about positive things, or Mary Sue things, or Everything Works Out things. I have a pretty vivid little visual imagination that just spouts out what I call scenes or scenelettes. I've caught on to the fact - much too late for me to ever be able to claim I'm not an idiot - that these scenelettes help fulfill a certain and current gap in my life. Feeling frustrated? Screaming scenelette. Feeling lonely? Talking-onna-couch scenelette. Pretty easy Freudian stuff, really. So I guess what my subconscious is trying to tell me now is that I'd really like to feel capable and in charge and that the world could fuck off (please). Let me tell you, running about with an imaginary meat cleaver does wonders for your self-esteem.
But zombies or no, I need to work on my Photo Credit slide and time my presentation, which sure as fuck isn't 20 minutes short, and...what was that other thing? Oh yeah, not crack.
ETA: Things Sickle Never Learns: Do not call Mother when cracking, as Mother is the Sledgehammer to Sickle's Emotional Shaky Rubble. (Translation: I'm a fucking idiot and now feel like shite. But it's 11:35 pm and I needs to work loads.)
The Crab Revolution by Arthur des Pins (subtitled)
Souriez, ca change la vie.:
Meme c/o![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fallen_angel:
It's all good but for the 6 kids. On the other hand, that does mean we do it six times. At least. Gosh. /TPratchet
Meme!
One-Word Meme c/o ,lj user=grelgirlbeast>:
One Word Survey
YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD. NO EXPLANATIONS.
1. Yourself: Cracked
2. Your Lover: Unfound
3. Your Hair: Curlamundo
4. Your Mother: Effervescent
5. Your Father: Disinterested
6. Your Favorite Item: Immaterial
7. Your Dream Last Night: Hazy
8. Your Favorite Drink: Citrus
9. Your Dream Home: Mine
10. The Room You Are In: Unfinished
11. Your Pet: Dead
12. Who You Are Now: Waiting
13. Who You Want To Be In Ten Years: Solved
15. What You Don't Wanna Be: Lost
16. Your Best Friend: Missed
17. One of Your Wish List Items: Direction
18. Your Gender: Irrelevant
19. The Last Thing You Did: Cried
20. What You Are Wearing: Warmth
21. Your Favorite Weather: Torrential
22. Your Favorite Book: Plural
23. The Last Thing You Ate: Junk
24. Your Life: Nomadic
25. Your Mood: Broken
26. Your Favorite Store: Bookstore
27. Your Favorite Sport: Equitation
28. Favorite Memory: Forgotten
29. Who Do You Miss Right Now: Kit-kat (always)
Links of the Day: Doctor Who
madamotaku's Review: Midnight (plus screencaps)
pluckyyounggirl's Review: Midnight
unfolded73's Picspam Review: Midnight - "Because I'm clever!" That face breaks me every time.
mekkio's Review: Midnight and Hypothesis on the Monster's Name (bang on!)
pet_lunatic's Analysis: RTDavies and Sexuality
audreyfrill's Icons: Animated Midnight
cowboyhd's Icons: Mixed
m_i_a_s_m_a's Icons: Midnight Stills
* "Fog", Wintersleep (Music video - adoreable and depressing)
Like, I was thinking of a clay car that I made in 8th grade - garishly painted like some sort of clown fetish - that mom asked whether she could throw away. I haven't seen it since early January this year and yes, it's fugly, but somehow the thought of my not knowing whether it was thrown away or not broke me a bit.
Not because of the car itself, but because of This Thing That I Do, which is "if I don't see it, I don't think about it, and it doesn't exist". Which is usually a fine defense mechanism, seeing as most of my stuff is in another continent (if I'm lucky). Not thinking about these things means I don't miss them. Not thinking about things I no longer have makes it easy. In Spanish we have a saying, ojos que no ven, corazon que no siente, which is curiously the exact opposite of English's distance makes the heart grow fonder, being more similar to out of sight, out of mind, except instead of mind it's heart.
So the way I deal with loss is forgetting I ever had it. Which may explain why I honest to gods don't remember events in my life - be they trivial or major - unless I actually sit down and think about them. Ask me about my first year of university - a truly major year in my life - and my brain'll go to static for a few seconds, then, like a spastic TV, it'll run through a few favorite channels and then maybe, if you're lucky, you can stop the surfing and examine a scene. It's ironic, really: I have a good memory but shitty recall. This also explains why I often neglect my friends. It's not that I don't care - ye gods, you better know it's not that - but that I'm trying to cope with missing you all.
Anyway, before this entry got all introspective and Let's Make Sickle Cry, it was going to be about how it's a Really Bad Thing to think that you've lost your USB drive with the presentation on it. Thinking this just after thinking you've lost your hair clips, trusty little things that've followed you across oceans and years, makes for a somewhat cracked Sickle.
So cracked, in fact, that my current comfort daydream is me, with a cleaver, in a living room a week or so after the zombiepocalyse, with a 50-year old guy lying on the couch with a sprained ankle. This, folks, is what my head's coming up with to make me feel better.
A word about what I mean with comfort daydream. (Well, a word, but I have two pages on Word Document I'm too chicken to post.) I'm sure a lot of you daydream(ed), possibly about positive things, or Mary Sue things, or Everything Works Out things. I have a pretty vivid little visual imagination that just spouts out what I call scenes or scenelettes. I've caught on to the fact - much too late for me to ever be able to claim I'm not an idiot - that these scenelettes help fulfill a certain and current gap in my life. Feeling frustrated? Screaming scenelette. Feeling lonely? Talking-onna-couch scenelette. Pretty easy Freudian stuff, really. So I guess what my subconscious is trying to tell me now is that I'd really like to feel capable and in charge and that the world could fuck off (please). Let me tell you, running about with an imaginary meat cleaver does wonders for your self-esteem.
But zombies or no, I need to work on my Photo Credit slide and time my presentation, which sure as fuck isn't 20 minutes short, and...what was that other thing? Oh yeah, not crack.
ETA: Things Sickle Never Learns: Do not call Mother when cracking, as Mother is the Sledgehammer to Sickle's Emotional Shaky Rubble. (Translation: I'm a fucking idiot and now feel like shite. But it's 11:35 pm and I needs to work loads.)
The Crab Revolution by Arthur des Pins (subtitled)
Souriez, ca change la vie.:
Meme c/o
fallen_angel: | |||
 |
I will marry David Tennat. | ||
  |
After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in island in our fabulous Shack. | ||
 |
We will have 6 kid(s) together. | ||
  |
Our family will zoom around in a blue bike. | ||
 |
I will spend my days as a baker, and live happily ever after. | ||
 | |||
It's all good but for the 6 kids. On the other hand, that does mean we do it six times. At least. Gosh. /TPratchet
Meme!
One-Word Meme c/o ,lj user=grelgirlbeast>:
One Word Survey
YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD. NO EXPLANATIONS.
1. Yourself: Cracked
2. Your Lover: Unfound
3. Your Hair: Curlamundo
4. Your Mother: Effervescent
5. Your Father: Disinterested
6. Your Favorite Item: Immaterial
7. Your Dream Last Night: Hazy
8. Your Favorite Drink: Citrus
9. Your Dream Home: Mine
10. The Room You Are In: Unfinished
11. Your Pet: Dead
12. Who You Are Now: Waiting
13. Who You Want To Be In Ten Years: Solved
15. What You Don't Wanna Be: Lost
16. Your Best Friend: Missed
17. One of Your Wish List Items: Direction
18. Your Gender: Irrelevant
19. The Last Thing You Did: Cried
20. What You Are Wearing: Warmth
21. Your Favorite Weather: Torrential
22. Your Favorite Book: Plural
23. The Last Thing You Ate: Junk
24. Your Life: Nomadic
25. Your Mood: Broken
26. Your Favorite Store: Bookstore
27. Your Favorite Sport: Equitation
28. Favorite Memory: Forgotten
29. Who Do You Miss Right Now: Kit-kat (always)
Links of the Day: Doctor Who
madamotaku's Review: Midnight (plus screencaps)pluckyyounggirl's Review: Midnightunfolded73's Picspam Review: Midnight - "Because I'm clever!" That face breaks me every time.mekkio's Review: Midnight and Hypothesis on the Monster's Name (bang on!)pet_lunatic's Analysis: RTDavies and Sexualityaudreyfrill's Icons: Animated Midnightcowboyhd's Icons: Mixedm_i_a_s_m_a's Icons: Midnight Stills* "Fog", Wintersleep (Music video - adoreable and depressing)